Keep It in the Family
character biographies

During his youth Duncan was a member of a skiffle group called 'The Tonypandy Vipers' and recalls that they once made a record: "Mind you, we had a Hell of a job getting four of us into the kiosk on the railway station" (1-2). He boasts of having won five gold medals for his piano playing at the Eisteddfod of 1950 - of having won a scholarship to the Viennese Conservatory - and to reputedly being the greatest Welsh pianist since Ignacy Jan Paderewski! (4-5). He was formerly known by the nickname of 'The Pontypridd Pistol' on account of his sexual prowess (3-2), and recalls a night he spent at Cleckheaton, Yorkshire, in 1953. "Oh, she was a lovely girl", he reminisces cryptically. "Oh, lovely girl" (1-2).

An ex-military man, Duncan claims to have been the youngest Regimental Sergeant-Major in the British army. "Leather Lungs Thomas, they used to call me", he recollects. "When I opened my mouth, everybody in the camp moved". He regrets the abolition of National Service: "They gave me boys, and in six weeks, I changed them into men" (2-7). "When I was in the army", recalls Duncan, "I used to have the camp running like clockwork". "And the parade ground; close-ordered drill, with fixed bayonets. It would have brought tears to your eyes. Ranks of men - wheeling - marching - the band playing...". He spent much of his military career at Aldershot, and claims: "I was in complete charge of it, you know. Well, there were a handful of brigadiers faffing about, a colonel or two; but any problems, and they came running to me - the Regimental Sergeant-Major" (2-2).

Duncan recalls the occasion when he wore a novelty mask whilst he was in the army: "Battalion party for the local kids, it was; Malaya - middle of summer. Nobody would wear it; 'Too hot!', they said. Oh, three men tried - fainted in minutes. So I put it on; wore it all afternoon. Of course they don't make them today like they used to in those days; I mean, they were much heavier then - more robust!" (5-3).

When Dudley informs Duncan that his daughter Susan wants to join the army, he responds: "She does? Marvellous; it'll make a man of her. Listen, she will love it. I was in for twenty years. If I'd had a son, I'd been delighted, if he'd joined up". When Dudley responds that a daughter's different, Duncan tells him: "If I'd had kids, I'd have had sons. It's just a matter of willpower". In actuality, Duncan never did marry: "Although I was two thirds married, once. I was there - the clergyman was there - but she didn't show up, she didn't come. If anything, I was married to my Sam Browne". "I didn't think they allowed that sort of thing", comments Dudley, but Duncan elucidates: "It's a belt! Only two of us was allowed to wear it; RSM Blair and myself. I was the hard man, he was the softy. When we had boiled barbed wire for breakfast, he used to put sugar on his" (2-4).

Duncan has a housekeeper who does his laundry and cooks his meals, although her culinary skills leave much to be desired. "Well at least the lumps in her mashed potatoes are all the same size now", he remarks. "Oh, her cooking's not too bad; as long as you don't eat it". He claims to have once broken a tooth on her gravy! (2-2). His housekeeper later leaves him to marry the milkman. "It seems they were having a wild affair", he explains. "He used to leave notes on the doorstep saying 'None today, thank you' " (3-2). Duncan acquires a new housekeeper in an attractive dark-haired Welshwoman named Mrs. Morgan, of whom he boasts: "She's a wonderful cook - she can cook anything". Unfortunately she displays an amorous affection for him, and Duncan reluctantly decides she will have to go; although subconsciously he appears to harbour similar feelings for her (4-2).

An avid horse racing fanatic, when not perusing the pages of 'The Sporting Life' Duncan is a frequent spectator at venues such as Ascot and Doncaster. His interest in gambling extends to casinos, and he boasts of having rolled the dice at The Sands, Llandudno (3-3). He considers buying a little cottage at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllandysiliogogogoch, with the intention of eventually returning to the land of his fathers, but his hopes of getting a bank loan are unintentionally dashed by Dudley (3-4). Duncan is a fan of the Australian entertainer Rolf Harris, and once went to one of his concerts (3-4). He has a fondness for duck (2-6), hamburgers (5-4), baby carrots (5-5), and grapes (2-1). He takes his coffee white, with four spoons of sugar: "I've cut down" (3-4). Duncan has an account with The National Bank Limited (3-5). He confides "I like a nice drop of vinegar" (4-2), favours long underwear (5-4), and can speak a little Spanish (5-5).

Duncan remarks that most people tell him he resembles the actor Roger Moore - "Though I can't see it myself" - (4-3), and comments "It's a mystery what people see in crime novels!" (4-6). He gave Dudley a calendar as a present at Christmas 1979 (2-7), and describes him as being one of his oldest friends (5-4). Dudley for his part says of Duncan "He's got a face like a box full of frogs" (3-2), and reckons he could strip the veneer off furniture with his snaggled-tooth smile (2-7). He informs Duncan that his mouth's so large "you could sing a duet all by yourself; when you yawn, your ears disappear" (3-5). On another occasion Dudley quips: "Your generosity is exceeded only by your beauty" (2-1).

Dudley refers to Duncan's home as the place where whisky flows like glue! Also he's a little puzzled by some of his security measures: "I just don't understand why you have a burglar alarm on your dustbin!" (1-3). "He's the meanest man I know!", sneers Dudley. "He's tighter than the top pickled onion in a jar; he gave up golf when he lost his ball" (2-7). He describes Duncan as being "A slave-driving, miserly, cheeseparing, old skinflint" and informs him that "Scrooge could take lessons from you!" (3-3). On another occasion Dudley says of his boss "If he does you a favour, he wants a receipt!" (3-6). Duncan's secretary Marlene hasn't got a good word for him either, referring to him as "a bad-tempered, clock-watching old grouch" (2-1).

Familiarity having bred contempt, Dudley has grown to loathe Barney the Bionic Bulldog and consequently he is frequently late in producing his pages (GR). More than once Duncan has threatened to replace Barney, having become sick and tired of pushing Dudley to get his work completed on time: "He's always weeks behind with his drawings" (3-6). "I'll have Barney the Bionic Bulldog put down", he is warned. "And you, with him" (3-2). When Dudley's wife Muriel comments on one occasion that "Barney is the most self-opinionated, sexist, bombastic article this side of creation", Dudley is quick to point out that Barney's character is based on someone they all know: Duncan! "Me?", responds Duncan with all sincerity. "How flattering!" (3-5).

He has a sweet tooth - freely admitting "I like a little snack with my tea" (4-1) - and has a particular fondness for Muriel's home-made chocolate eclairs (2-7, 3-3, 3-5, 3-6), iced buns (3-2, 3-3, 3-5, 4-1, 4-5), and biscuits (3-6). "For one of your home-made iced buns, I would slide down a hundred-foot razor blade", he informs Muriel on one occasion (3-2). Dudley's daughters Jacqui and Susan affectionately bestow on Duncan the pet name 'Uncle Gannet' (3-6), and indeed he can be something of a glutton when it comes to cake. At the Saint Judes Girl Guides Fete he partakes of an iced bun, rock cake, chocolate eclair, and slices of chocolate sponge and lemon meringue pie (3-3). "He's got racing colours on his teeth!", says Dudley (3-5), who claims that Duncan only comes to the Rush house for free tea and cake: "You watch; as soon as he gets through that door he'll be shovelling cake into his mouth with both hands. The air will be thick with crumbs and saliva. There'll be sparks coming off his teeth" (2-7). Dudley tells him "You'd get into Fort Knox if it had chocolate cake inside!" (4-6). On another occasion he remarks that offering Duncan a cup of tea is like offering a donkey strawberries (2-2), and quips that he can "hear the rattle of tea cups from ten miles away" (3-5). When Dudley tells Duncan "You only come round here to swill tea and gobble cake and chat up Muriel!", he responds: "It's not only that, Dudley! I fancy your daughters, too" (3-6).

Dudley tells Duncan: "If you ever die, and come back as a dog, I hope I come back as a flea" (1-3), and on another occasion: "Duncan, you're a brick; an absolute brick" (4-4). Duncan makes mention of an unnamed woman friend who has a sister-in-law living in Australia (5-4). When Dudley confides to his wife that he thinks Duncan fancies her, she responds: "Well, of course he does. He's a man, isn't he?" (3-2). Duncan himself refers to Muriel as being "a splendid woman" (4-5), and on one occasion remarks to her: "You know how I've always felt about you" (3-6). Duncan boasts of knowing lots of beautiful women, and has a little black book containing the telephone numbers of his old flames. These include an Abigail, Annette and Zelda (3-2). For a time he dates a young woman named Lydia Kettle, who bestows on him the pet name 'Dunky' (2-6). Muriel's of the opinion that it's time Duncan got married - "He's enjoyed himself long enough!" - but Duncan has other ideas on the subject. "I've got nothing against marriage", he maintains. "It's the living together afterwards that causes all the problems. I was born a bachelor" (3-2).

Dudley takes an impish delight in playing pranks on the long-suffering Duncan, remarking on one occasion that it's "like shooting fish in a barrel" (3-1), and Muriel tells him "You're so gullible, it's like trying to drink a cream soda in the Sahara!" (4-3). When Duncan complains "I still think it was you that filled my umbrella with custard and bits of cake", Dudley responds: "Let's not argue over a trifle" (3-2). When his boss asks why Dudley keeps making up stupid names for him, such as Police Sergeant Thick and Knuckles Muldoon, he gives the rather obvious reply "I do it to annoy you" (2-4). When Duncan comments on another occasion "You're determined to make me look an idiot, aren't you?", Dudley replies: "Always do what you're best at, my mother used to say" (4-4). "Can't help having a go at me, can you?", says Duncan after becoming the butt of yet another humorous remark. "Still, that's what friends are for" (5-3). "I've sometimes been a bit harsh on you, Dudley", concedes Duncan. "But you can't help being an idiot" (3-3).

Duncan confesses to talking to himself in his bath sometimes, informing Dudley: "I talk to myself, Dudley, because your wits go wool-gathering and they take mine along with them" (4-3). On one occasion, having been treated to a humorous quip on the telephone from Dudley, Duncan responds: "Do you know, every time I speak to you, I move a step nearer a total nervous breakdown? My ears twitch, Dudley! It's not perceived by the general public, but I notice it because they move my hair out of place!". "If we can speed them up, they could keep you cool in a heatwave!", suggests Dudley helpfully (4-4). Duncan informs Muriel "It so happens that I was brought up to believe that women are unceasingly honest", having been told so by his mother "when she sold me the encyclopaedias" (4-3). Muriel says of Duncan: "He's always well-dressed; shoes polished; healthy" (4-3). On another occasion, Dudley speaks of appealing to Duncan's better nature: "The nicer side of him. The side that steals toffee apples from children" (5-6). Dudley says of Duncan: "He'll never sort himself out; he's all twisted-up inside" (5-4).

Duncan is unimpressed by Dudley's efforts at jogging, advising him to "Age gracefully; like I intend to do. Well, what's the point of all this keep-fit nonsense? I mean, I can understand how you feel, you know; being married to a much younger woman. But really, you ought to let yourself go - let it all hang out. Where I come from, the only time you ever see a man running, is when he's robbed the post office. But here in London you can't walk the pavement without being elbowed aside by fat, flabby, middle-aged men; wigs, flapping in the breeze. Oh yes. Yes, once they lose a few pounds, they want their hair back again. And it doesn't end there, you know; oh no. Soon they're out disco dancing; pinching the bottoms of dentist's receptionists" (2-7). Duncan is covered by company insurance: "And I do have a personal endowment of some size" (3-2). Regarding Duncan's rarity in inviting them to dinner at his flat, Muriel comments "Well, it's not entirely his fault; after all, he is a bachelor". "And so was his father before him!", responds Dudley (4-2).

Duncan joins a camera club for photographic enthusiasts that has special 'figure' sessions, with girls modelling swimsuits, lingerie and such like. Admission is not allowed without one's own camera, so Duncan lashes out on a brand-new £300 model. Dudley terms it pornography, but Duncan considers it to be art: "It's the study of the interplay of light and shade on flesh tones. I mean, you might as well accuse Michelangelo of pornography" (4-1). When Dudley expresses concern about leaving his daughters - particularly Susan - alone in the house whilst he and Muriel take a holiday in Portugal, Duncan offers to stay at 33 Highgate Avenue during their absence and keep an eye on things. "I've never actually been a father myself, but it must be ludicrously simple if you can do it", he observes. "I just thought I'd like to take your place for a while; try it on for size. It's just that I'd like a brief taste of family life, that's all, for a while. You know; try out a few theories...theatre...ballet...I'm going to really expand their minds, Dudley; open their eyes". It transpires that the girls have other plans, though! (4-4).

When Marlene is sent to prison for three months after being convicted of armed assault (4-3), Duncan finds a new secretary in Wilma, a six-foot-tall bespectacled blonde, who takes an amorous interest in him. "They get worse, these secretaries!", he complains. "They're all looking for husbands! If you're good-looking and single, they just won't leave you alone!" (4-5). Wilma speaks of her boss's "Welsh nonconformist conscience" (5-2). Duncan reveals that his bed is a "large single" - or rather a "small double", causing Wilma to remark: "Oh, fancy! Thinking of getting married are you?" (5-3). "Wonderful thing, you know; marriage", Duncan later admits to Dudley. "Still, it's not for me! But Wilma keeps on dropping hints" (5-4). However, there certainly appears to be an amount of sexual chemistry between them, Duncan suggesting on another occasion that "there's a time and a place" (5-2).

Duncan owns an armchair which he claims to have been his grandfather's favourite chair: "He always used to say he wanted that chair buried with him". It's in such a shabby condition that Dudley is moved to comment: "I'm glad you complied with his wishes; what made you dig it up again?" (5-3). When Muriel goes on holiday to Australia to visit her mother, Duncan views it as "desertion in the face of the enemy!"; the enemy being Dudley of course! "I don't know how she could do it; I mean, I've been so good to her!" (5-1). Duncan plans to move from his flat in South Hampstead to a flat in West Hampstead, and hires a van to shift his furniture with the help of Dudley, Jacqui and Susan. Dudley cons Duncan into making a detour to Brighton to pick up a large white rabbit from his eccentric sister Kate, and the van is stolen; it is later recovered by the police, but all Duncan's possessions have vanished (5-3).

Dudley is unrepentant about the loss of Duncan's furniture, commenting "I've never seen rubbish like it! Getting rid of that lot did him a favour!". As his new flat is empty, Duncan is forced to spend a night in a hotel. He puts in an insurance claim, but asks if he can move in and live with the Rush's until he gets some new furniture. Dudley is dead set against having his boss living under the same roof, so Jacqui and Susan decide to have Duncan down in their flat. When Susan talks of pushing the beds together, Dudley is panic-stricken and relents, allowing Duncan to stay in the newly-converted loft studio: "You realise", he points out, "the only reason I'm letting you stay up here, is because Susan and Jacqui feel sorry for you". Duncan responds that it's mutual; he feels sorry for them, having him for a father! (5-4). When Susan offers Duncan some of her home-cooked chilli con carne, he responds: "No thank you; I'm not very keen on Japanese food!" (5-4).

When Duncan complains that his rubber plant likes it neither downstairs nor upstairs at 33 Highgate Avenue, Dudley comments "Takes after you then; just plain awkward!" (5-5). Dudley can't see the new housekeeper they are expecting getting any money from his boss, but Duncan protests: "I pay for my food. Anyway, it's your house; you're the person that makes it untidy! I am a guest!". "That's because you've got no ambition!", he is told. "If you had a bit of ambition, you'd pay rent, and work your way up to being a lodger!" (5-5). However, Duncan later appears to start paying rent, since Dudley refers to himself as Duncan's "landlord" (5-6). Duncan decides to produce 'Oklahoma!' for an amateur operatic society. When his leading lady walks out on him, he determines to lure a replacement from the rival North Hampstead Operatic Society, who are putting on a production of Gilbert and Sullivan's 'The Mikado'. He attracts both Susan and Jacqui, but the role of Laurey eventually goes to their friend Marion (5-6).