Keep It in the Family
character biographies

When she was little, Susan used to hide in the oven whenever she was in trouble, but took refuge under the table in the greenhouse when she outgrew it. On one occasion in 1970 she ordered £60 worth of Dinky toys, half a dozen dolls, some Leggo bricks, an Action Man, a train set and a plastic machine gun! "I used to do the same sort of thing", recalls her father. "It's probably in the genes; inherited trait, passed down, through the generations (3-5). She won a cross-eyed teddy bear at a church fete, which she christened 'Gladly' (1-2). At school Susan wasn't very good at maths, and her mother always advised her to do what she thought was right and see if it worked (3-1). She disliked cooking and was allowed to take woodwork instead (5-1), obtaining O-levels in this and religious knowledge; which Jacqui suggests could prove useful should she ever want to build an Ark! (2-1). She also took an O-level in French, but failed to pass (5-4).

Susan's cooking has never really improved to any great degree, and on one occasion her father comments that "she'd have to get better; she couldn't get worse!". He reminds her: "Remember when you used to cook with your dolly's tea-set? First child to poison her teddy bear!". Whilst Madge Carew implies that Susan's tea smacks of cat's urine (5-1). Jacqui remarks that her sister's toast is usually burnt as black as a speedway track, her eggs half-cooked and runny and her coffee too weak to struggle out of the pot, though Susan retorts that her own culinary skills aren't any better: "I've had months of your cooking; if it hadn't been for salt and pepper, I'd have starved". She tells Jacqui's boyfriend Leslie Gay that he will enjoy the cheese soufflé she has cooked for dinner, but cautions: "Just remember one thing; don't swallow!". At least Susan can boast that her salads are clean; she once washed the lettuce in detergent! (2-7).

On leaving school Susan went on a typing course, but didn't finish it: "But I can type 40 words a minute", she boasts, "give or take a couple of words". "Or minutes", comments Jacqui. "And they're supposed to be all different words" (2-1). Susan applies for a dozen jobs; eleven of which are for air-hostesses. "You're supposed to speak another language", her sister points out. "And pig-Latin does not count". Susan admits that she can't decide whether to be a physiotherapist or a neurologist; though the occupation she is really aiming for is being a sexy companion to an elderly millionaire! (2-1). On a later occasion she remarks "What I really want is a job where I can travel, and meet interesting people", to which Jacqui suggests "What about a bus conductress?". "I wouldn't mind being a bus driver!", responds her sister. "Only when they recruit, I'm sure they discriminate against women!". "Especially ones that can't drive!", says Jacqui. "I can drive!", protests Susan. "I have no bother, driving; it's stopping and starting I find confusing!" (5-5).

Dudley says of Susan's driving skills: "She's very good at overtaking on humpback bridges; and her 16 point turn isn't bad". Nevertheless, having enrolled at a driving school she passes her driving test on the first attempt (3-5). Prior to this, Susan had travelled around by bicycle (1-1). Dudley resents Susan living on Social Security (1-2), so he finds her a vacancy in a local newspaper for a dentist's girl Friday, writing the telephone number down on a piece of paper. Susan inadvertently rings Duncan Thomas's number that is written on the other side, and his secretary - Marlene - assumes her boss is planning to sack her and hands in her resignation. Susan temporarily assumes her duties, until the misunderstanding is rectified and Marlene is reinstated (2-1).

Susan displays a fondness for listening to LP's through her headphones and accompanying them utilising a comb and a sheet of paper as a musical instrument, causing her father to fear that she may develop dandruff of the gums! (1-1). She favours Dior Essence perfume (3-6), takes size small in clothing (4-1), and has had a lifelong ambition to master the technique of hand-rolling a cigarette, even though she doesn't smoke (4-3). She has a liking for board games, especially Monopoly (1-4, 1-6) and Scrabble (2-2), and enjoys going to roller-discotheques (2-1). Susan appears to be a fan of the actor Clint Eastwood, and reveals that elderly sitting tenant Arthur Fenston once offered her a wine gum if she'd showed him her knickers; she was unable to comply, since she never wears such garments! (1-1).

Susan is an ardent feminist, being of the opinion that "nobody should have to dance backwards all their lives!" (1-2). On another occasion she remarks: "It's good fun. It gives you something to be angry about, when you're bored with being happy" (4-4). Her father keeps telling her the facts of life, even when she is approaching eighteen: "And he's not very good at it; I still don't know if I was born in a beehive or a bird cage" (3-1). Her mother considers her to be intelligent - "She's got it up here!" (1-4) - even though she comments in exasperation on another occasion: "Honestly Susan, you're the world's worst!" (1-3). She remarks that "arguing with Susan is like trying to blow out a light bulb" (2-4). Whenever Susan does something bad, her father always refers to her as Muriel's daughter (2-4). Susan herself claims "I can take criticism if it's constructive", and remarks "I think I've got nice eyes; I think I've got a good figure..." (1-4). She speaks of her "incredible sensuality" (1-6) and is of the opinion "all my bits are sexy" (2-2), although she confesses to her sister: "It's all so confusing. A guy tells a girl she looks great, right? And then what's the next thing he wants to do? Turn out the lights!" (1-6).

Susan has a tendency to prolong her telephone conversations (3-3). She possesses a ferocious appetite for food, causing Jacqui to comment on one occasion: "Seriously, you should put racing colours on your knife and fork. You started on your scrambled eggs before the echo of your corn flakes had died away. And the amount you eat". Susan herself claims to be a light eater, with which her sister is in agreement: "As soon as it gets light, you start eating. I bet you're sad you've only got one mouth" (1-6). She has often drank wine with her parents, prior to her eighteenth birthday (2-4). Susan once brought in a stray black moggy, but it made tracks when her father accidentally sneezed a whole tin of snuff over it (2-5). The Rush family later acquire another cat, which has a fondness for hiding things and playing with toys, including a rubber squeaky doughnut (4-1). From posters adorning the walls of their flat it can be deduced that Susan and Jacqui are supporters of nuclear disarmament, and are opposed to the fur trade (GR).

Susan develops a passing interest in tattoos, to the relief of her father settling for removable transfers (2-2), and Market Research interviewing (3-3). After reading an article in the May 1982 issue of 'Prediction' magazine by a woman who claims she can communicate with the dead, Susan acquires a fleeting interest in spiritualism, trying her hand at crystal-gazing with the aid of a dead light bulb (4-1). "Susan's always been the same", says Muriel. "Always looking for a nice man to settle down with". Not that that's what her mother wants: "I want her to get married!" (1-4). "Most of her boyfriends dress as if they have a drug problem", comments Dudley. "Drug, as in by the cat", that is! "One of them was wearing a horse blanket the other day", he continues. "Dobbin, his name was" (2-5). He takes a particular dislike to a boyfriend of Susan's named Darrel, whom he describes as "the one with the electric hair" who "takes clumsy lessons from Humpty Dumpty", and wishes his daughter would be a little more choosy (1-3).

Susan dates an engineer named Sid Foster for three weeks, but finds him so boring that she ditches him in favour of another boyfriend named Dave (1-4). Dave takes her to a dance and she returns home tipsy on double vodkas, although she is still under eighteen, having to be helped into bed. Her father loses his temper and she considers joining the army, until she learns they only have one colour in their uniforms; and that they have separate barracks for the men. "You wouldn't have liked the food", Dudley assures her. "For punishment, they give you seconds" (2-4). For a time she dates a motorcyclist named Blackie Taylor - so titled because he has a black belt in karate - whom it transpires could be a natural son of Dudley's by an old flame called Betty Corkindale, raising the thorny possibility of incest (2-3).

Susan takes an interest in a good-looking policeman named Rodney, who gave her father a ticket for parking his car on a double yellow line outside a Chinese restaurant in the High Street. He later visits the Rush family home after burglars break in and steal Duncan's brand-new £300 camera, but Susan is irritated when Rodney displays a preference for her sister (4-1). Duncan says of Susan when she reaches the age of consent: "Susan's a fully grown woman; she's her own boss now". And indeed she takes a holiday on her own in Monte Gordo, Portugal, where she goes topless on the beach (4-4). Susan considers moving into a flat with a boyfriend named Matthew after going out with him for about two months, until his father - a Church of England vicar - says that mixed flat sharing involving unmarried persons on church property would be unacceptable. Since the young couple aren't keen on getting wed, the subject is dropped (3-1).

Susan acquires an interest in punk rock when she and Jacqui form a group with their upper class friend Hugo - 'Hugo and the Harlots' - but they are soon disbanded in favour of 'The Duncan Thomas Trio' when the Welsh virtuoso introduces them to some of the old favourites (4-5). Susan's interest in singing stems from her father, who taught her the first song she ever learnt: 'On The Good Ship Lollipop'. Jacqui snidely recalls that she always threw up when her sister sang it! (5-6). Susan lands a job as the Circulation Manager of Hugo's new free magazine, 'UPPER CRUST' ; in other words, she sticks it through people's letterboxes! "Well, I am looking forward to it!", she maintains. "I like being out in the open air; if I had my way, I'd spend all my time out in the open air" (5-2).

She later takes a position as assistant to her motorcycle stunt man boyfriend Vincent - alias Vince Vampire - which involves her dressing up in a Devil costume and building up the audience for Vincent's act with a prewritten piece of blurb. She warns him that the last big acting part she had was at school, when she played Juliet Tittlemouse in the infants' production of 'Romeo and Juliet'. When Vincent tries to doss down with Susan in the ground floor flat, she informs him: "I've got nosy neighbours; they're called parents" (4-6). When the North Hampstead Operatic Society decide to put on a production of Gilbert and Sullivan's 'The Mikado', Susan lands the role of Pitti-Sing, although she covets Jacqui's part of Yum-Yum, showering her with snide remarks. When Susan threatens to pull out so that she can play the leading lady in Duncan's rival production of 'Oklahoma!', Jacqui is forced to exchange roles (5-6).