4th Season 1988

    Production credits:
    Co-executive producers: Kathy Speer, Terry Grossman, Mort Nathan, Barry Fanaro
    Supervising producer: Eric Cohen
    Created by: Susan Harris
    Executive producers: Paul Junger Witt, Tony Thomas
    Co-produced by: Martin Weiss, Robert Bruce
    Executive script consultant: Christopher Lloyd
    Executive story editors: Richard Vaczy, Tracy Gamble
    Associate producer: David Amico
    Associate directors: Lex Passaris, Peter D. Beyt


  1. "Yes, We Have No Havanas"
    gs: Henry Darrow [ Fidel Santiago ], Magda Harout [ Woman ], Ralph Ahn [ Jim Shu ], John Achorn [ Priest ]

    Blanche and Sophia fall for the same man, smooth-talking Cuban Fidel Santiago, while Rose struggles to pass her high-school equivalency exam with Dorothy as her reluctant tutor.

    b: 8 Oct 88 pc: 078 w: Barry Fanaro & Mort Nathan d: Terry Hughes
  2. "The Days and Nights of Sophia Petrillo"
    gs: Frances Bay [ Claire ], Nick DeMauro [ Clerk ], David Selburg [ Store Manager ], Allen Bloomfield [ Abe ], Ellen Albertini Dow [ Mrs. Leonard ], Darlene Kardon [ Woman ], Marian Wells [ Wanda ], Peggy Gilbert [ Esther ], The Dixie Belles [ The Band ], Don "Kokko" Burnaby [ Sam ]

    A study in contrast: a busy day for Sophia and a make-busy day for Blanche, Rose and Dorothy. Sophia announces that she is off to market for a nectarine: "at eighty-two that's life,a round trip on the number six bus to buy a nectarine."

    b: 22 Oct 88 pc: 077 w: Kathy Speer & Terry Grossman d: Terry Hughes
  3. "The One That Got Away"
    gs: John Harkins [ Ham Lushbough ], Tom Dahlgren [ Major Barker ], Nick Toth [ Waiter ]

    Blanche meets a very special old schoolmate: the only man ever to have turned her down, Ham Lushbough, "the most gorgeous, most charming, most sexy, most intelligent man on the face of this planet." When Ham calls to say he's in Miami on business, Blanche sets out to finally conquer him, claiming that her"record's going to be intact again" after this Saturday's date. Her dreams of "sexual conquest" turn into a nightmare when Ham shows up - overweight and bald. Meanwhile, Rose is convinced that the blazing light in the sky that she and Dorothy recently saw was a UFO. Dorothy refuses to entertain such a goofy notion until a Major Barker from the military base shows up and announces that the sighting was indeed a UFO. The girls aren't to say a word about it to anyone. Blanche returns from her date with Ham, absolutely "devastated." She never had any intention of actually sleeping with him, but to be turned down -- again! -- by a man who's both "fat and bald" is more than she can stand! Now she is determined to hear Ham beg for her favors no matter how much seducing it takes. Only after a 30 year-old misunderstanding is cleared up does Blanche realize that Ham simply doesn't want to relive that one horrible night at Grady's Motor Lodge that he's spent with Blanche in high school. "Ham, that wasn't me," Blanche tells him. "That was my sister, Virginia." Blanche's ego is intact again. Rose is disappointed to hear that the UFO she was so eager to flag down was actually a secret military jet. But Dorothy's pragmatic view of life won't deter Rose, who spots another flare of light in the sky and smiles, knowing that someday benevolent aliens will contact Earth.

    b: 29 Oct 88 pc: 080 w: Christopher Lloyd d: Terry Hughes
  4. "Yokel Hero"
    gs: Jim Doughan [ Ben ], Doug Cox [ Sven ], John Moody [ Len ], James Lashley [ Driver ], Valente Rodriguez [ Fred ], Bridget Sienna [ Voice of Ingrid ]

    rc: Dr. Harry Weston

    On what must be the hottest day of the year, Rose receives incredible news: she has been nominated for the St. Olaf Woman of the Year award. But her elation quickly turns to depression when she concludes that her "top accomplishments aren't worth a damn." With Rose's ago about to crumble, Dorothy and Blanche decide to help by "embellishing" Rose's resume. Their embellishments do the trick, and with the heat wave still in full swing and the air conditioner still in full disrepair, Rose finds herself visited by the St. Olaf Woman of the Year Blue Ribbon Panel: Ben, Sven, and Len Toppelkoffer. Although Rose can't quite recall some of the grand accomplishments that the triplets praise her for, she is thrilled to find herself proclaimed winner of the award. The girls set out on a trip to St. Olaf, which turns into a nightmare for Blanche, Dorothy and Sophia, who discover that first class travel St. Olaf-style amounts to rickety planes, hay wagon shuttle service and lost luggage. Rose brings the trip to a complete stop when Blanche and Dorothy, moved by guilt, finally confess that they tampered with her resume. The girls return home, and Rose, robbed of her moment of glory, refuses to speak to Blanche and Dorothy. But when Dr. Harry Weston drops by to deliver the mail that piled up during their trip, what should Rose find in the pile but the St. Olaf Woman of the Year trophy (chocolate). Rose's unflinching honesty won her the award after all.

    b: 5 Nov 88 pc: 081 w: Martin Weiss & Robert Bruce d: Terry Hughes

    NOTE: Guest Richard Mulligan crosses over in his character from Empty Nest.
  5. "Bang the Drum, Stanley"
    gs: William Denis [ Dr. Cauley ], Ben Rawnsley [ Dr. Jerry ], Matthew Brooks [ Timmy ], Helen Duffy [ Woman in Wheelchair ], Todd Morris [ TV Announcer ]

    rc: Stan

    Stan tries to hit Dorothy and Sophia up for a loan by taking them to a ballgame; and when Sophia takes a fly ball on the head, he sees big insurance bucks. Meanwhile, Blanche and Rose are busy preparing for their roles in a community theater production of Cats, and Sophia is at her wits' end trying to keep them and their Method acting out of her milk, out of her knitting, and out of her life. Things take a turn when Stan, still desperate for money, sees a potential gold mine in Sophia's accident. If Sophia pretends to be severely injured, they can sue the ballpark for hundreds of thousands of dollars. Sophia can hardly keep her ethics in balance in the face of Stan's greed, and she gives in to the plan. It's up to Dorothy to prove that her own mother is faking paralysis. With the help of the local community theater cast of Cats, she succeeds.

    b: 12 Nov 88 pc: 079 w: Robert Bruce & Martin Weiss d: Terry Hughes
  6. "Sophia's Wedding (1)"
    gs: Jack Gilford [ Max ], Fritzi Burr [ Esther ], Raye Birk [ Caterer ], Harvey J. Goldenberg [ Preacher ], Roland August, Richard Bernard, Scott Gale, Blake Gibbons, Tally Lauriti, Rick LeFever, Samuel Lloyd, Jay Pennick, Eddie Powers [ Wedding Guests ], Quentin Tarantino [ Elvis Impersonator ]

    rc: Salvadore

    When Sophia's old friend Esther Weinstock passes away, Sophia refuses to attend the funeral: "I will not stand under the same roof with that miserable bagiagaloop..." That "miserable bagiagaloop" is Max, Esther's husband, the man who started a successful pizza-knish business with Salvadore, Sophia's deceased husband, 40 years earlier. Max is also the man who gambled away their profits, thus ruining the business long ago. Only by offering to pay for both her and Sophia's tickets to Brooklyn does Dorothy finally convince Sophia to attend the funeral. Once there, Sophia attacks Max at every opportunity. Finally, Max decides to clear the air about the demise of the business: it wasn't him, but Salvadore, who gambled the profits away. Sophia views Max in a new light. The two of them fall in love and decide to get married. Meanwhile, Rose has gained permission to start an unauthorized chapter of the Elvis Presley Hunk-a Hunk-a Burning Love Fan Club. After the first meeting, at which members ooh and ahh over a "genuine Elvis artifact: (a half-eaten pork chop in a plexiglass cube), Blanche decides that what that really need is an Elvis impersonator. Dorothy cannot accept that her mother wants to marry a man she's hated for 40 years, especially only after a three-day weekend. The day of the wedding finds Sophia locked in the bathroom, wondering if Dorothy might not be right. But when Dorothy confesses that it was only her memories of "Pop" that made her acceptance of Max so difficult, Sophia emerges and the wedding proceeds. There's just one hitch, thanks to Rose all the wedding guests are Elvis impersonators!

    b: 19 Nov 88 pc: 082 w: Barry Fanaro & Mort Nathan d: Terry Hughes
  7. "Sophia's Wedding (2)"
    gs: Jack Gilford [ Max ], William E. Green [ Sax Player ], Don Maxwell [ Fire Chief ]

    Sophia's married life proves too much for Dorothy, who starts smoking again in an attempt to cope with her mother's recent marriage to Max Weinstock. Stress levels rise more when the happy newlyweds realize they planned everything for their new life together - except they "forgot to get a new place." Instead of buying that new place, however, Sophia and Max invest their money in a beachfront concession stand. "We're opening the old business again," announces Sophia. "A million-dollar idea deserves a second chance." And the stand almost opens -- until Max and Sophia both catch terrible colds. Opening day finds Dorothy, Rose and Blanche behind the counter selling pizzas and knishes. With the help of beachfront advertising a la Sophia ("Shark! Shark!"), plenty of customers discover the new stand, and the business is a hit. That night, however, Sophia and Max's "dream" goes up in smoke -- literally -- and Dorothy fears that it was her unattended cigarette that caused the fire. Only after it is discovered that a faulty coil in the pizza oven caused the blaze do Max and Sophia realize that their relationship is like the lost pizza-knish stand: something that should not have been. They both admit they were reaching for the past by reaching for each other, and so part as good friends.

    b: 26 Nov 88 pc: 083 w: Barry Fanaro & Mort Nathan d: Terry Hughes
  8. "Brother, Can You Spare That Jacket?"
    gs: Andre "Rosey" Brown [ Bodyguard ], Howard Goodwin [ Auctioneer ], Matthew Faison [ Peter Campbell ], Teddy Wilson [ Ben ], Herta Ware [ Ida ], Karl Wiedergott [ Kenny ], Matthew Faison [ Father Campbell ], Art Koustik [ Dave ], Stan Wojno [ Philip Starr ]

    A frantic chase ensues after Sophia gives away Blanche's new aviator jacket -- with a $10,000 lottery ticket in it -- believing its stylishly shabby look to mean that it's just a "crummy old jacket." The girls hightail it to the thrift store just in time to see the jacket sold to an imposing individual who just happens to be a bodyguard for Michael Jackson. The girls watch as their jacket, and their winning lottery ticket, disappear in Jackson's limo. But the search isn't over yet. The jacket, worn by Jackson during a concert, is then donated to a celebrity auction to benefit the homeless. The girls rush to the auction, only to be outbid by a politician who purchases the jacket at an exorbitant amount in an effort to show his concern for the homeless. The politician then has the jacket transported to the Mission Street Shelter, to "provide warmth and comfort for one of our city's homeless." The girls spend the night at the shelter, determined to find the jacket and retrieve their ticket. But after spending some time with the people who call the shelter home, their priorities suddenly seem skewed. They locate the jacket, but they leave the winning lottery ticket with the shelter's administrator the next morning.

    b: 3 Dec 88 pc: 084 w: Kathy Speer & Terry Grossman d: Terry Hughes
  9. "Scared Straight"
    gs: Monte Markham [ Clayton ], Gwen E. Davis [ Mildred ], Nancy Priddy [ Lois ], Steve Porter [ Waiter ]

    When Blanche's baby brother Clayton Hollingsworth comes to Miami for a visit, the ladies find themselves face-to-face with a male counterpoint to Blanche herself: charming, good-looking and on the prowl. The problem is, Clayton isn't prowling for what Blanche thinks he's prowling for. After an uncomfortable blind date arranged by Blanche, Clayton confesses to Rose that he is gay. He wants to tell his big sister the truth, but he is afraid to. With Rose's encouragement, Clayton tries again, but he turns chicken and instead blurts out that he and Rose "slept together tonight." Sophia, meanwhile, is convinced that, "I'm dying, Dorothy. Saturday, nine o'clock. Don't make any plans." She has had a "death dream" twice now, in which her beloved deceased husband, Sal, tells her that "there's room" for her now. She is determined to settle her estate, with or without Dorothy's help, before her Saturday deadline. Blanche cannot tolerate the thought of her baby brother seriously dating Rose, and she harasses Rose until Clayton finally confronts Blanche with his hidden truth. Blanche refuses to believe it: "I know you too well for this. You're my brother." But Clayton is adamant. Though it is a struggle, Blanche finally learns to accept Clayton as he is, and she apologizes to Rose. And Sophia? Sophia discovers that the voice in her "death dream" was really the voice of Mildred, her bowling partner, who had called to her through the window one night that, "There's room for you now." So what else is there to do on a Saturday night? Sophia leaves: "Hasta luego, Dorothy. I'm going bowling."

    b: 10 Dec 88 pc: 086 w: Christopher Lloyd d: Terry Hughes
  10. "Stan Takes a Wife"
    gs: Elinor Donahue [ Katherine ], Tom Tarpey [ Dr. Seymour ]

    rc: Stan

    Stanley's "about to do it for the third time" -- get married, that is. He invites the ladies to the wedding, only to be told that the ring he bought his intended, Katherine, is pathetically small. Apparently even love can't cure a cheap streak in a man's wallet. But when Sophia ends up in the hospital with advanced pneumonia, the better side of Stan rises to the surface. He insists on staying with Dorothy all night in the hospital waiting room. Come sunrise, Dorothy has a startling revelation: she still loves Stan. She can't let him marry Katherine. Rose and Blanche are appalled. "What is suddenly so great about Stan?" they ask. When Dorothy explains how "masterful" and "commanding" Stan was at the hospital, yet how "sensitive" and "vulnerable" he was, they recognize that Dorothy feels extreme gratitude, perhaps even admiration, for Stan's unusually chivalrous behavior; but not love. The day of the wedding finds Dorothy trying to win Stan back. But Blanche and Rose ruin her attempts. Thanks to their intervention, Dorothy happens to meet Katherine before the ceremony. Once she learns how much Katherine loves Stan and how much he loves her, Dorothy comes to her senses, helps Katherine through a case of pre-wedding cold feet and walks out with the bride to attend the ceremony.

    b: 7 Jan 89 pc: 087 w: Winifred Hervey Stallworth d: Terry Hughes
  11. "The Auction"
    gs: Michael McManus [ Sid ], Tony Steedman [ Jasper DeKimmel ], Colin Hamilton [ Auctioneer ]

    Based on Sophia's inside information that a famous artist in on death's doorstep, the ladies plan to spend their all on one of his paintings, and cash in when he checks out. If Miami rain actually came down in cats and dogs, the girls would be neck-deep in fur - the roof is leaking, and they don't have the money to fix it. They don't even have a couple of hundred to get a "patch job." But fate has odd ways of presenting solutions. While attending a posh art exhibit, the girls meet Mr. Jasper DeKimmel, a renowned modern artist with no social grace whatsoever. Some of DeKimmel's work featured at the exhibit is scheduled to be auctioned off, and when Sophia learns that DeKimmel has just been admitted to the hospital ("In a day or two, he'll be plant food"), Blanche formulates a plan to get money for a new roof: buy an original DeKimmel at the auction, then resell it for more money after DeKimmel dies. The plan is a little bloodthirsty, however, and the girls suffer a bout of guilt before Sophia convinces them it's not their fault if the man is dying for want of a "rare blood transfusion." So they attend the auction and obtain their painting while Sophia monitors DeKimmel's status at the hospital. There's just one small problem in the end - DeKimmel isn't going to die now. Sophia tells them, "They found a donor with that rare blood type he needed." Sophia herself! The girls are devastated to be stuck with an ugly painting that cost them a small fortune. But Fate intervenes again - their roof repairman, also an art collector, purchases the "repulsive trash" from them in return for a new roof and cash to boot!

    b: 14 Jan 89 pc: 085 w: Eric Cohen d: Terry Hughes
  12. "Blind Date"
    gs: Kristopher Kent Hill [ Billy ], Alan Koss [ Ernie ], Ed Winters [ John ], Lesley Glassford [ Elaine ], Paul Tennen [ Freddy ]

    Blanche's "dating slump" has led her to date "a shallow, insensitive snob" who both Dorothy and Rose think is beneath her. When Blanche is stood up for the fourth time by this fellow, she ends up meeting the man of her dreams there in the mar. Blanche leaves her phone number on a napkin for him, but what she doesn't realize is that John Quinn is blind. Meanwhile, Rose is coaching a local tiny tot football team, and the job is exhausting. She enlists Dorothy as her assistant, but then Dorothy must cope with Rose's feisty competitive streak, which borders on cheating when Rose tries to make their star player, Billy, make legal weight with the help of an under-the-jersey encyclopedia. Blanche calls it off with John Quinn. At first, Rose and Dorothy are annoyed that Blanche would allow a handicap like blindness to end the best relationship she's had in five years. But Blanche explains, "He took away the one thing I've always been secure about. My looks." Blanche depends on looks so much to attract men that John makes her nervous and confused. Rose and Dorothy convince her that she should tell John how she feels and save the relationship. On the day of the big game, Rose and Dorothy catch the flu and can't coach. Of all people, Sophia comes to the rescue and leads the team to victory and ice cream, teaching Billy a lesson about "being small" along the way. And Blanche patches things up with John and discovers that she has more going for her than perky bosoms and good legs. John Quinn, she discovers, isn't so blind after all.

    b: 28 Jan 89 pc: 089 w: Christopher Lloyd d: Terry Hughes
  13. "The Impotence of Being Ernest"
    gs: Richard Herd [ Ernie Faber ]

    Blanche is incredulous one Saturday night when Rose has a date and she doesn't. Worse yet, he's "absolutely perfect" - a handsome, middle-aged corporate attorney, not a "geek." Blanche watches, incensed, as Rose and Ernie Faber happily exit. While Blanche is busy with her jealously, Sophia is busy with a mysterious black feather she's received in the mail from Cousin Vito in Sicily. Dorothy knows the feather means something ("Everything from Sicily means something") but Sophia refuses to explain. Instead, she becomes very jumpy and begins to get phone calls from fellows like "Tony The Hook." Rose has fallen in love with Ernie, and they go away for a quiet weekend together. But instead of the romance that Rose yearns for, Ernie confesses to her that he's impotent. And back home, Sophia confesses that the feather means she is duty-bound as a Sicilian to carry on an old family vendetta and "take care of" Sonny Venuchio, who is currently in Miami. Rose's patience and understanding of Ernie's "problem" actually solves it for him, and after one night of bliss together, Ernie tells Rose that he wants to "patch things up" with his ex-wife, now that he's overcome his "problem." Rose is devastated, but she wishes him well. The romance is over. But for Sophia, it has just begun. Let vendettas be vendettas! Sonny Venuchio is a cute old man, and the two of them hit it off.

    b: 4 Feb 89 pc: 090 w: Rick Copp & David A. Goodman s: Kevin Abbott d: Steve Zuckerman
  14. "Love Me Tender"
    gs: John Fiedler [ Eddie ], Shan S. Washington [ Marla ], Stefanie Ridel [ Jackie ], Tom Simmons [ Security Guard ]

    The flames of passion burn when Dorothy goes out on a blind date. Little does Sophia know that Eddie, the man she found for Dorothy via a dating service (twenty dollars, one picture, their computer" and boom - you've got a social life"), is a balding Casanova. Dorothy can hardly see enough of him, and all they really have in common is, as Dorothy puts it, "under the sheets." Meanwhile, Rose has arranged to participate in the Be-A-Pal Program with Blanche. They'll each take on a motherless child and "be her pal" once a week. Little Marla and Jackie are anything but charming youngsters, however. After a shopping trip, the girls cleverly unload stolen merchandise on Rose and Blanche, and the store's security guard is happy to turn the ladies over to the police. Sophia makes Dorothy admit that her relationship with Eddie is one-dimensional. Reluctantly, Dorothy prepares to break up with him, despite his odd sexual hold on her. But first, Blanche and Rose must coerce their little pals into confessing to shoplifting. While Rose tries to threaten them with "cookies and milk," Blanche speaks to their greed in the form of a three-hundred check. What the little thieves don't know is that Blanche cleverly wrote the check on a closed account! In the end, Dorothy finds that Eddie is a cursed Casanova, a reluctant lady killer, a man cursed by hyper-seductive pheromones. She just can't let him go. But Eddie takes his leave, realizing that Dorothy is too much of a woman to settle for "nights filled only with unbridled ecstasy."

    b: 6 Feb 89 pc: 088 w: Richard Vaczy & Tracy Gamble d: Terry Hughes
  15. "Valentine's Day"
    gs: Michael J. London [ Edgar ], Julio Iglesias [ Himself ], Pat McCormick [ Drugstore Clerk ], Tom Isbell [ Young Man ], Wayne C. Dvorak [ Maitre d' ], Michael Blue [ Porter ], Peter Elbling [ Desk Clerk ], Michael J. London [ Edgar ], Joe Faust [ Raymond ], John Rice [ Steve ], John Harnagel [ Mechanic ], Julian Deyer [ Waiter ]

    rc: Papa Angelo, Salvadore

    A dateless Feb. 14 prompts memories of Valentine's Days past, including Sophia's in a Chicago garage in 1929 (it was a killer!. But while the others sit home reminiscing about better Valentine's Days, Sophia announces she has a date -- with Julio Iglesias!

    b: 11 Feb 89 pc: 101 w: Kathy Speer & Terry Grossman, Barry Fanaro and Mort Nathan d: Terry Hughes
  16. "Two Rode Together"
    gs: Freddie Jackson [ Sam ]

    Sophia's friends are passing away one by one. As much as this disturbs Sophia, it disturbs Dorothy even more, who fears that her time with Sophia may be shorter than she thinks. To cheer her up, Rose tells Dorothy a fable about Toonder the Mediocre Tiger in the land of Flafluevenhaven. The fable spurs Dorothy to make a decision - just as Toonder discovers the importance of sharing "quality time" with loved ones, Dorothy decides to take Sophia away for the weekend to spend quality time with her. Blanche opts to go to Disney World. Once they're off, Blanche and Rose decide to become partners and write a children's book of the adventures of Toonder and his friends. Once at Disney World, Dorothy's idea of quality time becomes a nightmare for Sophia, who realizes that she's a captive in her own hotel room and is being forced to walk down memory lane. Dorothy has brought every piece of family nostalgia they have, and she intends to savor every item. When Sophia tries to make an escape for the park, she is thwarted by a sudden rainstorm. She ends up in the hotel bar, miserable. Meanwhile, Blanche and Rose's partnership crumbles when creative egos clash. They finally make up, only to discover that St. Olaf's greatest author, Hana Christian Lockerhueven, already wrote a book of Toonder's adventures. And at Disney World, Dorothy finds Sophia in the bar, where the two iron out the true meaning of "quality time," and Dorothy realizes that such moments can never be forced.

    b: 18 Feb 89 pc: 091 w: Martin Weiss and Robert Bruce d: Terry Hughes
  17. "You Gotta Have Hope"
    gs: Bob Hope [ Himself ], Andre "Rosey" Brown [ Bodybuilder ], Eadie del Rubio [ Donatello Triplet ], Elena del Rubio [ Donatello Triplet ], Milly del Rubio [ Donatello Triplet ], Daniel Rosen [ Misha ], Douglas Seale [ Seymour ], June Claman [ Phyllis ], Linda Ledge [ Frieda ], Meg Wyllie [ Mrs. Rasmussen ]

    Dorothy is chairman of the Ladies' Auxiliary hospital variety show benefit. The problem is, she can't find any talent for the talent show. Everyone who auditions is horrible, and to make matters worse, the celebrity MC that Dorothy did manage to obtain cancelled. Dorothy is ready to become "the laughingstock of the Ladies' Auxiliary" when Rose proclaims that she can get Bob Hope to be their MC. Hope, she says, is her father: "...sort of...I mean, he could be. Maybe." Rose explains that she was adopted by Gunter and Alma Bylund, and before that happy day, she became convinced that Bob Hope was her father. The ladies think Rose is just being goofy, and they try to salvage the show themselves. Sophia, who has become the agent for the Donatello Triplets, lets her "little songbirds" be in the show fir free on the condition that her new boyfriend, Seymour, a bumbling magician from the vaudeville days, performs, too. With no other decent acts to choose from, the ladies agree. The night of the show finds Dorothy the MC for a lame talent. After Blanche discovers that Rose has forgotten to take Bob Hope's name off the program, Rose realizes she must face her delusions and explain to the audience that Bob Hope isn't going to show up. But just as she does so, Hope himself emerges from Seymour's magic box onstage. It seems that Hope was Seymour's old partner back in the vaudeville days. The ladies are enthralled as Hope entertains their audience, and Rose finally gets to meet her "father."

    b: 25 Feb 89 pc: 092 w: Barry Fanaro & Mort Nathan d: Terry Hughes
  18. "Fiddler on the Ropes"
    gs: Chick Vennera [ Pepe ], Alfred Dennis [ Charley ], Pamela Kosh [ Woman ], Victor Contreras [ Gonzales ]

    The ladies decide they ought to think more about their financial welfare in the future, so they go in on a CD together. As Dorothy says, "It's the simplest form of investment -- an idiot couldn't screw it up." Unless the idiot is Sophia, who takes the ladies' combined three thousand dollars and buys a boxer at a bus stop. They are now the dubious managers of Kid Pepe, a Cuban prizefighter. Pepe has a fight scheduled the next week, and the ten thousand dollar purse is guaranteed. Though the girls are furious with Sophia, winning that purse will get them back their money back and more. So they decide to keep Pepe for the week. The twist comes when they discover Pepe's secret: he's really a violinist with an upcoming audition for the Julliard School of Music. The ladies are faced with a dilemma: do they make Pepe fight and regain their hard-earned savings, or do they tell Pepe not to fight, thereby saving his hands from possible injury? They finally convince Pepe to take a dive in the ring. But the blow to the head he receives causes temporary amnesia. At the Julliard audition the next day, he asks, "Before I start, I just have one question. Do I play the violin?" But prompted by the ladies, he launches into a unique and rousing recital of a Shakespearean monologue and is accepted for Julliard's acting school instead.

    b: 4 Mar 89 pc: 093 w: Kathy Speer & Terry Grossman d: Terry Hughes
  19. "Till Death Do We Volley"
    gs: Anne Francis [ Trudy McMann ], Robert King [ Jack ], Jean Palmerton [ Woman at Reunion ]

    Dorothy is delighted to hear that her high school tennis team is having a reunion in Miami. Best of all, she has a chance to see Trudy McMann, best friend and chief tormentor, with whom she once shared "a happy, healthy rivalry." When Trudy and her husband, Dorothy, Jack, arrive, the limits of this rivalry are explored as Dorothy and Trudy jump right back into their old routine of taunting each other. They end up scheduling a tennis match the day of the reunion party: one "pathetic, middle-aged cow" vs. a "miserable sack of cellulite." But the tennis match ends in disaster - Trudy drops dead on the court. Dorothy insists it's her fault, but the ladies help her rally for the reunion party that night. As Blanche points out, "You were all friends of Trudy. You can console one another." At the party, while trying to explain the tragedy, Dorothy breaks down and flees to her room. Who should show up at the door moments later but Trudy herself, pleased with the success of her greatest practical joke ever - her own staged death. The ladies make her realize, however, what a cruel joke it was, and so Trudy goes to Dorothy's room to apologize. There she finds Dorothy in bed with Jack! "Gotcha!" Dorothy cries in glee, proving to Trudy that two can play dirty.

    b: 18 Mar 89 pc: 096 w: Tracy Gamble & Richard Vaczy d: Terry Hughes
  20. "High Anxiety"
    gs: Jay Thomas [ Sy ], Nancy Black [ Heather ]

    The ladies must band together like never before when they discover that Rose is addicted to a drug prescribed for her 30 years ago for a back injury. Although Rose at first refuses to think that she's overdone the prescription, or that she could possibly be addicted to the drug prescribed by the doctor, she finally accepts the fact that she becomes a "crazy person" without it. The ladies stay up with her all night trying to help her kick the habit. The sun rises without a pill having been taken, but Rose breaks down later and takes one on the sly. Sophia, meanwhile, has been asked by the owner of the "Little Slice of Sicily" pizzeria to be in a national commercial. Dorothy is also recruited once the commercial's director finds he's got a mother-daughter team available. However, showbiz proves too tempting for Dorothy, who can't seem to stop "improving" her lines. She gets herself demoted to the role of waitress. Then Sophia, after tasting the pizza - or rather, "this slime on a shingle" - spits it out and leaves the commercial altogether: "There are two things a Sicilian won't do. Lie about pizza and file a tax return." Rose finally accepts the fact that she must call a drug rehab center to get over her addiction. She makes the call herself, and a month later comes home free of the "monkey" on her back.

    b: 25 Mar 89 pc: 097 w: Martin Weiss & Robert Bruce d: Terry Hughes
  21. "Little Sister"
    gs: Inga Swenson [ Holly ], Jerry Hardin [ Gary ]

    Relationships are strained when Rose's younger sister, Holly, comes for a visit. Rose confesses to Blanche and Dorothy that she never liked Holly much and insists that Holly is hard to get along with. Dorothy and Blanche conclude otherwise, however, as they entertain Holly and end up spending more time with her than Rose. After Rose is left behind on several outings, apparently due to Holly's planning mistakes, Dorothy and Blanche refuse to accept Rose's accusations that Holly is leaving her out of their fun on purpose. Meanwhile, Sophia complicates matters by offering to dog-sit Dreyfuss while neighbor Harry Weston is out of town. Dorothy protests, knowing that Sophia will screw it up somehow, and sure enough something goes wrong: Dreyfuss runs away. Worse still, Sophia doesn't notice till days later. Her solution? Buy a do identical to Dreyfuss. But when Dreyfuss comes home, Sophia is stuck with two huge dogs that she can't tell apart. She uses every trick she knows to keep Dorothy from noticing. Blanche and Dorothy become angry with Rose when she claims she saw Holly kissing Blanche's boyfriend, Gary. But Rose's accusations are finally proven true when Holly is caught with Gary, pants down, so to speak. Rose confronts Holly, and Holly confesses to always having been jealous of Rose's ability to make and keep friends. Yes, she was trying to take Blanche and Dorothy away from her own big sister. "You never think of anyone but yourself," Rose declares, then tells Holly that she would like to be her friend as well as her big sister. But Holly will have to make the first move. Holly leaves Miami with plenty to think about. And Sophia's canine blues? Dreyfuss is singled out, with Rose's help, but Sophia must make an extra trip to the pet store anyway -- she returned the wrong dog!

    b: 1 Apr 89 pc: 098 w: Christopher Lloyd d: Terry Hughes
  22. "Sophia's Choice"
    gs: Ellen Albertini Dow [ Lillian ], Ron Orbach [ Administrator Cummings ], Stanley Ullman [ John ]

    When Sophia goes to visit her friend Lillian at Shady Pines, she's in for a surprise: Lillian isn't there anymore. She's been checked into Sunny Pastures, the "worst nursing home in the city," Sophia says, the place where patients go "when they can't afford a Shady Pines anymore." Sophia is so concerned with Lillian's welfare that Dorothy takes her to visit. Dorothy is appalled to find that Sophia's awful description of the place is fairly accurate. When Sophia then tells the girls that she wants to "adopt" Lillian by visiting her as often as she can, the girls promise to provide transportation. Meanwhile, Blanche has received a fat bonus check at work and has decided to do the only logical thing with it - have her breasts enlarged. The other ladies think that she's being just a little silly, but Blanche is convinced that "what god didn't give me, Dr. Myron Rosenzweig will." The adoption plan for Lillian gets out of hand when Sophia ropes Rose into helping her steal Lillian out of Sunny Pastures' clutches. The ladies, moved by Lillian's situation, try to think of ways to keep the old woman out of such a home, but without lots of money, they can't check her into a better facility, and they find out the hard way that little Lillian needs more care than they can give. Blanche finally provides the answer by deciding that a breast enlargement is actually "frivolous." Her bonus check should provide enough extra money to keep Lillian in a nice facility for quite some time.

    b: 15 Apr 89 pc: 099 w: Richard Vaczy & Tracy Gamble d: Terry Hughes
  23. "Rites of Spring"
    gs: Hilary Shepard [ Yvonne ], Lloyd Bochner [ Eduardo ]

    rc: Stan

    Attempting to better themselves for a friend's annual party, Dorothy, Blanche and Rose decide to lose some weight. Rose suggests joining a health club and reminisces about their last experience at a gym, which ended with hundreds of dollars worth of exercise gear for Blanche and Dorothy. Deciding against another similar experience, they discuss changing their hair instead. Blanche recalls when Sophia talked them into changing their looks once before, taking them to her smooth-talking hairdresser who made them into Sophia clones. Meanwhile, Sophia is worried about her weight loss of one pound. Attempting to gain the pound back, she feasts on pasta for breakfast and bakes a "double-fudge-amaretto-ricotta cheesecake." While the cake bakes, Sophia suggests taking someone ugly to the party to make them look better. Rose suggests improving their personalities instead of their bodies. Dorothy remembers when Stan attempted to get the girls to join an encounter group he had just attended. Pondering one of the self-awareness questions that asked, "describe your best friend," Dorothy replied, "Someone I can tell my secrets to." Attempting to prove Dorothy was talking about her, Blanche and Rose reveal secrets she had told each about the other. Blanche finally suggests to Sophia that perhaps a height decrease has caused the weight loss. This proving to be the case, she begins to throw away the cake. But realizing they have two weeks and one day until the party, the girls decide to forgo the diet a day and eat the cake.

    b: 29 Apr 89 pc: 102 w: Eric Cohen d: Terry Hughes
  24. "Foreign Exchange"
    gs: Vito Scotti [ Dominic ], Nan Martin [ Philomena ], Flo Di Re [ Gina ], Marcia Firesten [ Woman ], Grant Moran [ Technician ], David Willis [ P.A. Voice ]

    Philomena, Dominic and Gina Bosco visit from Sicily. Gina and Dorothy were born within minutes of each other at the same hospital in Brooklyn, making the families lifelong friends, though the Boscos returned to Sicily shortly after. Gina is about to be married, but the blood test has proven it impossible that Philomena and Dominic are her natural parents. The Boscos have come to take Dorothy, whom they claim is their real daughter switched at birth, back to Italy! Later that evening, Dorothy is upset, saying, "I need a parent to hug me and tell me everything will be okay." When both Philomena and Sophia answer in sync, Sophia decides to settle the whole mess by having a blood test. Meanwhile, Blanche decides to take "dirty dancing" lessons and convinces Rose to join her. Oddly, Rose is the "natural" and Blanche stinks. A mortified Blanche repeatedly tries to "out dirty dance" Rose, to no avail. While Dorothy and Sophia wait for the blood test at the hospital, Sophia reminisces about Dorothy's first day of school: Dorothy was afraid to leave her Mommy, so Sophia stood at the window and watched for hours in case Dorothy needed her. "Any real mother would do that for her kid," she says. When the results finally come, they realize they don't need them to prove that they are truly mother/daughter, so they throw the results in the trash (although Sophia sneaks back to take a peek). Upon returning home, Sophia and Dorothy find Blanche and Rose locked together dirty dancing, Blanche redeeming herself after Rose accused her of fabricating her romantic escapades in light of her lack of bodily coordination. The Boscos also witness the scene at they exit the house, realizing that Gina will always be their "daughter."

    b: 6 May 89 pc: 100 w: Harriet B. Helberg and Sandy Helberg d: Terry Hughes
  25. "We're Outta Here (1)"
    gs: Ralph Ahn [ Mr. Yakamora ]

    rc: Stan

    When pranksters plant a "For Sale" sign in front of the house, a Japanese businessman makes an offer for it that Blanche finds hard to refuse. Blanche remembers when the three moved in together and she promised both Rose and Dorothy the same room. The ladies discuss how dependent they've become on each other, "especially Rose." In proving this isn't so, Rose remembers a dance marathon where she out-danced both Dorothy and Blanche. Sophia suggests selling the house, making a large profit and buying a bigger house, but Blanche thinks she might want to travel and see relatives instead. Dorothy recalls all the relatives that have come to visit their home: Uncle Angelo, for whom Dorothy and Stan pretended to still be married; Blanche's niece, Lucy, who met a doctor on the plane and was too busy to "visit"; Sophia's sister Angela; and Rose's cousin Sven, who responded to Blanche's "Get outta here!" by really getting out of there. Stan drops by to borrow a car for a new "pizza delivery" scheme, and, learning that Blanche might sell the house, recalls spending the night trying to woo his way off of Dorothy's bedroom floor into her bed, only to be stopped by Sophia.

    b: 13 May 89 pc: 094 w: Barry Fanaro & Mort Nathan d: Terry Hughes
  26. "We're Outta Here (2)"
    gs: Ralph Ahn [ Mr. Yakamora ]

    rc: Stan

    After a sleepless night considering Mr. Yakamora's offer, the housemates congregate in the kitchen and a confused Blanche asks the others to "tell me what to do." They remember a previous time when Blanche and Dorothy "told" Rose to go on a cruise with a man she was seeing, then worried that they had pushed her into something they shouldn't have. When Blanche becomes "melodramatic" about the decision she has to make, Sophia recalls when everyone became "a ham" practicing for a talent show and when Dorothy and Rose entered the "write a theme song for Miami" contest. The ladies decide they're hungry, each for a different cuisine, so Sophia suggests ordering out for each kind of food. When they exclaim how odd that would be, she points out other odd experiences they have had, such as the night Dorothy, Blanche and Rose were arrested for prostitution; when Rose placed Dorothy's "work wanted" ad which stated, "I will do anything for eight dollars an hour," in the personals section and when the girls had to find a way to get Rose's teddy bear back from a neighborhood kid. The reminiscing is interrupted by a phone call from Mr. Yakamora, who has decided to retract his offer on the house, explaining that he has spent all of his money buying other investments. Relieved, Dorothy, Rose and Sophia pester Blanche to find out what her final decision would have been. Would she or wouldn't she have sold the house? Blanche proclaims, "Hell, yes, I was going to sell!"

    b: 13 May 89 pc: 095 w: Kathy Speer & Terry Grossman d: Terry Hughes

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