5th Season 1989

    Production credits:
    Co-executive producers: Marc Sotkin, Terry Hughes
    Supervising producers: Tom Whedon, Philip Jayson Lasker
    Producers: Gail Parent, Martin Weiss, Robert Bruce
    Supervising producer: Eric Cohen
    Created by: Susan Harris
    Executive producers: Paul Junger Witt, Tony Thomas, Susan Harris
    Co-produced by: Tracy Gamble, Richard Vaczy
    Story editors: Rick Copp, David A. Goodman, Marc Cherry, Jamie Wooten
    Associate producer: Nina Feinberg
    Associate directors: Lex Passaris, Peter D. Beyt

  1. "Sick and Tired (1)"
    gs: Michael McGuire [ Dr. Budd ], Jeffrey Tambor [ Dr. Stern ]

    Dorothy is stricken with an illness, which renders her confused, weak, fluish, and so exhausted she can barely speak at times. After five months, she's continued to get worse and worse and has been forced to quit her job due to her exhaustion. Having already seen several doctors who have told her she's fine, the ladies convince her to see a specialist. Meanwhile, Blanche decides to write a book, claiming her "life is a romance novel" and she can "write one in her sleep." Dorothy visits a neurologist, Dr. Stevens, who, after making her guess the famous person he has just treated, tells her she's fine, to see more men, and that her disease is probably mental. At Dorothy's insistence, he finally suggests a specialist in New York, Dr. Budd. Accompanied by Rose, Dorothy heads to New York only to be told that she's not sick, she's wasting his time and to change her hair color. A depressed Dorothy is consoled by Rose when she starts to think that maybe she really is crazy. Blanche determines that she will finish her novel that night, even if she "never sleeps a wink," and the ladies discuss Dorothy's disease and the frightening possibility that it might be something deadly and just hasn't been discovered yet, much like "the Black Plague when only one guy had it." Sophia exclaims, "Dorothy could be dying and they just don't know it."

    b: 23 Sep 89 pc: 103 w: Susan Harris d: Terry Hughes
  2. "Sick and Tired (2)"
    gs: Keone Young [ Dr. Chang ], Michael McGuire [ Dr. Budd ], Bibi Besch [ Helen Budd ], Glenn Walker Harris Jr. [ Oliver ], Eric Poppick [ Waiter ], Park Overall [ Laverne Todd ]

    rc: Dr. Harry Weston

    A very upset Dorothy turns to Harry, seeking advice on her illness. After calming her fears that she might really be crazy, he sends her to a virologist, Dr. Chang. Meanwhile, Blanche has been awake for 72 hours writing her romance novel and is delirious with exhaustion. She proclaims that her book is too good to sell and that she won't have her "words coming out of Glenn Close's mouth." At Dr. Chang's office, while Sophia rambles on about being "crazy about Chinese people," Dr. Chang lets Dorothy know that he believes she has a newly discovered disease called Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, a disease, a disease caused by a virus that has not yet been identified. Dorothy leaves, thrilled that she is sick and it has a name. Blanche receives several rejections from publishing companies and laments that she won't have anything to make her special. Rose scolds her, telling her that it's what's inside a person that makes them special. The ladies celebrate Dorothy's "debilitating disease" at fancy restaurant, where Dorothy spots Dr. Budd, the New York neurologist who told her she was wasting his time. In a heartfelt speech, she reprimands him for the lack of care and concern he and most doctors show the patient and their willingness to admit they don't have the answer. Upon returning to her table, she discovers the bottle of champagne she'd ordered is far beyond her means, inciting Sophia to finagle the entire meal for free: "Now it's a celebration."

    b: 30 Sep 89 pc: 104 w: Susan Harris d: Terry Hughes

    NOTE: Richard Mulligan and Park Overall cross over in their characters from Empty Nest.
  3. "The Accurate Conception"
    gs: James Staley [ Dr. Manning ], Kathy Ann Conn [ Receptionist ]

    rc: Rebecca

    Blanche's daughter Rebecca has decided on artificial insemination, but Blanche can't begin to conceive of the idea. Mortified, Blanche asks her, "Why would you do something like that? To hurt me?" She refuses to have anything to do with it and tells Rebecca to "wait until I'm dead." Unable to sleep that night, the ladies gather around the kitchen table consoling Blanche, discussing the different ways they conceived their children, but all agree artificial insemination is "ooh." Meanwhile, Sophia is due for a check-up and refuses to go, afraid the doctor will find something wrong. Dorothy tries to trick her into going in the same manner Sophia used to get Dorothy to the doctor, but Sophia is too quick to fall for "pony rides." Rebecca convinces Blanche to visit the sperm bank, hoping she'll accept that they are legitimate. The ladies to accompany her and Dorothy makes a deal with Sophia that she can go too, if she goes to the doctor first. Sophia agrees, "but this better be a great sperm bank." At the sperm bank, a humiliated Blanche questions the doctor, but unable to accept her daughter's decision, storms out of his office in disbelief that a Devereaux "has to pay for it." On returning home, Blanche refuses to talk to Rebecca, who is leaving for the airport, but the ladies convince Blanche that she must learn to respect Rebecca's decisions, which is a lot better than losing a daughter. While Blanche ponders how to say she's sorry, Rebecca enters and overhears her. The two embrace, reunited.

    b: 14 Oct 89 pc: 105 w: Gail Parent d: Terry Hughes
  4. "Rose Fights Back"
    gs: Chick Vennera [ Enrique Mas ], Beth Grant [ Terry Franco ]

    Rose receives a letter from her late husband Charlie's company explaining that her pension is being cut off due to bankruptcy. Because she doesn't make enough money at the grief center to live on, she decides to find a new job. After searching through the want ads with Blanche, Rose spends a day job hunting and returns with disappointing news: the only suitable job she found was assistant manager of a pet store and they wouldn't hire her because of her age. The ladies determine that Rose should fight this illegal age discrimination and urge her to call "what's his name," Enrique Mas, the TV consumer reporter. Meanwhile, Sophia gets a membership card to the Shopper's Warehouse and goes crazy buying mass quantities of items at discount prices. Dorothy starts to worry that it's gotten out of control when Sophia continues borrowing money for ridiculous items like "tube socks." Sophia's rationale is that God wouldn't want to take you and waste "five cases of sardines" that you still have left to eat. Rose meets Enrique Mas and, in lieu of him fighting her age discrimination case, applies for a job as his production assistant. Because Enrique Mas has reservations, he sends her home to do a product comparison test. That night, the ladies gather around the kitchen table to help Rose test shaving products. While they swap stories about when they first started shaving, they eat oatmeal cookies, "because we have so many," Sophia says. Fed up with her reckless buying habits, Dorothy forbids Sophia to go back to the Shopper's Warehouse. The next evening, Rose returns home from seeing Enrique Mas, jubilant with the news that she got the job and even more excited that she will be able to stay with the ladies. They head to the kitchen to celebrate with a special dinner Sophia made: "sardine casserole with a kind of oatmeal cookie crust...there's a lot."

    b: 21 Oct 89 pc: 106 w: Marc Sotkin d: Terry Hughes
  5. "Love Under the Big Top"
    gs: Dick Van Dyke [ Ken Tickly ], Mel Stewart [ Judge ], John Di Santi [ Fisherman ]

    Dorothy is dating a dashing, top-notch lawyer, Kenneth Whittingham, who's so perfect, he even dresses up as a clown on weekends and entertains kids at the hospital. Ken calls Dorothy, saying he needs to talk to her about "something very important" and the ladies congratulate Dorothy on her marriage proposal they're sure is coming. As Ken arrives, Sophia reminds Dorothy, "You and I come as a package." Ken sits Dorothy down and dons a red nose, explaining he's become a full-time circus clown! Meanwhile, Blanche and Rose return from a boating trip distraught by the sight of a dolphin caught in a tuna boat's net. They decide to take part in a protest at the pier against tuna fishing, although Blanche was "hoping more of a fund-raiser cocktail party." While Sophia questions, "What did you do to him," Rose and Blanche comfort Dorothy, who's embarrassed by Ken's decision to become a clown and guilty that she's not supportive. They suggest she join them at the rally to get her mind off Ken. Blanche, having "caught a re-run of Flipper," is newly motivated, so when a fisherman grabs Rose by the arm, Blanche punches him, and a melee ensues. The group is dragged into court, and Ken arrives to save the day...in full clown regalia. Compensating for his appearance with an eloquent and impassioned speech, Ken gets the case dismissed. Upon their return home, Rose is disappointed that their protest was unsuccessful, so she and Blanche head back to the pier "to demonstrate/celebrate." Dorothy confronts Ken with her doubts about the relationship - she's still hoping for a storybook romance and won't settle for something less because there's not a lot of time left. They part, and Sophia comforts Dorothy, saying, "There, there, sweetheart. Knowing you, there'll be other clowns."

    b: 28 Oct 89 pc: 108 w: Tracy Gamble & Richard Vaczy d: Terry Hughes

    NOTE: Script published in anthology The Golden Girls.
  6. "Dancing in the Dark"
    gs: Gregg Berger [ Felix ], G.F. Smith [ Gayle ], Mimi Cozzens [ Lillian ], John Ingle [ Harv ], Edgar Justice [ Morelli ], Al Berry [ Paul ]

    rc: Miles

    Rose and Sophia are escorted home from a ballroom dance by Rose's partner, Miles Webber. After Sophia explains charging the "old geezers" ten cents a dance, Miles invites Rose to a party at his house. Thrilled, Rose attends the party and finds that he and the other guests are college professors. She quickly feels uncomfortable with their philosophical talks and returns home feeling dumb. The ladies convince her to invite Miles over to dinner where she has the "home field advantage." At dinner, Miles invites Rose to see Shostakovich played at the university. She misinterprets this as a sports team and retreats into the house embarrassed, begging Dorothy to make an excuse for her not returning to dinner - she'd do it "but it would only sounds stupid." Meanwhile, Blanche is frustrated because she hasn't had a date the past five Friday nights. In search of a man, Blanche combs a hardware store, where "they're alive with sexual energy," she explains. She returns empty-handed, however, turned off by the way her prospect "cleaned his ears with his keys." Miles calls, hoping Rose will meet him at the concert hall, but she refuses and convinces Blanche to go in her place. When she finally accepts, Rose cries, "Can you believe that back-stabbing slut?" Blanche returns, bored with Miles' adoration of Rose, which gives Rose the confidence she needs to go to the ballroom that night with the ladies. Once there, Blanche finally finds someone - an ear, nose and throat specialist who's "been looking for love in all the wrong places." Miles finds Rose and the two dance, but when Rose tells a St. Olaf story and misreads Miles' response, she runs off feeling stupid. He tells her that he likes her very much: "Life's a ballroom, if you hear what you like, don't analyze it, just dance to it."

    b: 4 Nov 89 pc: 110 w: Philip Jayson Lasker d: Terry Hughes
  7. "Not Another Monday"
    gs: Geraldine Fitzgerald [ Martha ], Jayson Kane [ Maitre d' ], Bonnie Urseth [ Mother ], Doug Cox [ Father ], Robert Neches [ Bartender ]

    rc: Dr. Harry Weston

    Sophia returns home from a funeral with a friend, Martha, who's upset at the death of their friend, Lydia. "At least she's resting peacefully," Sophia says in an effort to console Martha. The next night, Sophia meets a happier bright-spirited Martha at a restaurant. After being lifted onto her bar by the Maitre d', Sophia asks Martha the reason for their meeting. I want you to come over tomorrow night, she says, "I want you to be there when I kill myself." Sophia is dumbfounded, but Martha claims, "I don't have the courage to die by inches. Please help me." Meanwhile, Rose, Blanche and Dorothy watch a baby for the weekend. Unsure whether it's a boy or girl, they check for a "winkie" and quickly discover it's a "Frank." That night, Frank develops a high temperature, so the ladies call their neighbor, Harry. "No, this isn't Blanche playing a joke," Dorothy explains. Harry surmises that Frank has a recurring ear infection and prescribes medicine to be taken every two hours. "Welcome back to motherhood." Unable to get Frank to sleep that night, the ladies sing Mr. Sandman and awaken Sophia. She explains Martha's request for help committing suicide. Shocked and upset, Dorothy forbids her to be there: "When the life drains from Martha what will you do, how will you feel?" Despite Rose's "Angel of Death" story, Sophia says the most important thing in life is "whether you can be there for friends when they need you." The next evening at Martha's, she and Sophia reminisce about their meeting in the hospital and how they wanted to live life. You still have family and warmth; "I hear the silence," says Martha. Let me be here for you, Sophia cries, "like a best friend." They embrace. When Sophia returns home, she warns Frank, "Keep your seatbelt on, there are lots of twists and turns ahead."

    b: 11 Nov 89 pc: 109 w: Gail Parent d: Terry Hughes

    NOTE: Script published in anthology The Golden Girls.
  8. "That Old Feeling"
    gs: George Grizzard [ Jamie ]

    After running out of gas on the highway, Blanche arrives home with the "wonderful news" that the mother-in-law dies and George's younger brother, Jamie, is flying in to settle her part of the estate. Blanche is thrilled - she always thought Jamie was cute, but could never date him - she only dated older men and she had her reputation to consider. Jamie arrives the following day and sweeps Blanche, awestruck by his resemblance to George, off to lunch. She returns that afternoon and proclaims she's falling in love with him..."Mrs. Blanche Devereaux is soon to become Mrs. Blanche Devereaux." Meanwhile, Sophia renews her driver's license and "borrows" the ladies' cars behind their backs to take her "blind date" on dates, explaining why Blanche ran out of gas. Once caught, Sophia is forbidden by Dorothy to continue driving, because she "drives like Mr. Magoo." Dorothy makes her promise not to drive, but Sophia refuses to be humiliated by being made to promise. Later that evening, as Dorothy, Rose and Sophia sit around the kitchen table discussing the advantages and disadvantages of marrying your brother-in-law, Blanche walks in and overhears. They realize how upsetting it would be if Blanche moved away, so Blanche invites her "pathetic, spinster, sisters to come and live with her. "When she puts it that way it's so hard to refuse." The following evening, Blanche tells Jamie of her feelings for him. He too admits strong feelings for Blanche, "But it's not love the way you mean it. You're in love with the memory of George I've brought back to you." Hurt and confused, she exclaims, "but you're so much like him." But I'm not him," Jamie responds, as they share a fond memory of George. That same evening, Sophia is involved in a car accident and Dorothy lays down the la w: No more driving. The following day, Blanche, finished crying, decides to stroll past a construction site because the sound those men make "makes me feel like a lady again."

    b: 18 Nov 89 pc: 107 w: Tom Whedon d: Terry Hughes
  9. "Comedy of Errors"
    gs: Oliver Clark [ Roger Barton ], Tom LaGrua [ Ronny Lark ], Linda L. Rand [ Gloria Schmidt ]

    Dorothy digs out her high school yearbook and finds that many of her classmates have died. Realizing how short life is, she decides to make one of her unfilled dreams happen: entertaining people. Dorothy explains that she used to do a stand-up act in the variety shows at high school and they made her feel wonderful. She signs up for amateur night at the Comedy Barrel. Later Dorothy tries her act out on Sophia and gets very little support. "I'm supporting you by living with you in your twilight year," Sophia responds. Meanwhile, Rose is trying to make her co-worker, Roger like her. She gets him a cat to replace his electrocuted dog, "Sparky," not knowing he's allergic to cats. When she shows up at his door with a friendship cake, he agrees to be her friend if she will leave him alone. She happily agrees, as her new "buddy" slams the door in her face. Blanche is being audited and hasn't claimed her rent income from the ladies. She panics when she's unable to find any receipts but brightens when she remembers she's been audited before and has never had to pay. She "has a way with auditors." She prepares for his arrival by slipping on a sexy negligee, but when "Gloria" arrives Blanche quickly concedes. "Come into the kitchen, I'll write you a check." After a slow start on stage at the Comedy Barrel, a very nervous Dorothy is heckled by Sophia, which brings her to talking about her home life. She becomes a big hit with her tales of four older women in Miami. The next day, Sophia approaches her with new "Rose material," but Dorothy decides not to do any more stand-up comedy. She realizes she's been living her dream each day she faces a new classroom, only better, she's able to teach them something too.

    b: 25 Nov 89 pc: 113 w: Don Reo d: Terry Hughes

    NOTE: Script published in anthology The Golden Girls. Some sources identify the character played by guest LaGrua as "Jimmy."
  10. "All That Jazz"
    gs: Chick Vennera [ Enrique Mas ], Scott Jacoby [ Michael Zbornak ], Stan Roth [ Makeup Man ]

    rc: Stan

    Dorothy's son, Michael, turns up with "great news" -- he quit the band he was touring with and he and his wife separated. Upset at his nonchalant attitude, Dorothy is concerned that Michael doesn't take commitments seriously and he needs to learn. She tries to find him a job at the Hacienda Hut and Blanche points out that it is a sleazy singles bar. Stan arrives that evening to take Michael out -- to the Hacienda Hut where he's known as "Mr. Lucky." When Michael smooth-talks Dorothy into giving him money, she realizes it's time he learns to stand on his own two feet and decides to cut him off. Meanwhile, Rose has a stiff neck, caused by stress at work. Blanche finds her in the kitchen at three in the morning staring at two light bulbs, testing which one lasts longer. "You're driving us all crazy," she cries. When meditation doesn't work to relax Rose, Blanche insists she talk to Enrique Mas about lightening her workload before it kills her. While Rose listens to a relaxation tape, Dorothy laments over kicking Michael out - learning he's staying with Stan doesn't help. Sophia scolds Dorothy for turning her back on family, even when cousin Nunzio moved in with his pet goat she didn't turn her back on him. The following day, Stan appears and breaks down to Dorothy that "Michael's ruining my life." He's got real talent and does nothing with it. Show him it's never too late to be an adult, Dorothy cries. That afternoon Rose visits Enrique Mas and explains, "I can't possibly handle all the things you give me to do." He understands, his "neck used to be like that" and promises to hire her an assistant. The following day, Michael shows up to say goodbye -- Stan, too, asked him to leave. "We both agree we love you," Dorothy explains, and he exits after Sophia slides money into his pocket. He'll forgive you someday, Sophia comforts; of course, by then "you'll be dead."

    b: 2 Dec 89 pc: 111 w: Robert Bruce & Martin Weiss d: Terry Hughes
  11. "Ebb Tide"
    gs: Sheree North [ Virginia ], Paul Eiding [ Peter ], Brandis Kemp [ Maddy ], Steven Gilborn [ Howard ]

    Big Daddy calls Blanche, wanting her to visit him in Atlanta. She explains that she doesn't have the time - she's Queen of the Citrus Festival Ball, one of the highlights in Miami that weekend, for which she later receives a commemorative plate that no one is allowed to touch. Her excitement is cut short when she receives a call the next day from her sister, Virginia, with news of Big Daddy's death. Dorothy decides to accompany Blanche to Atlanta. While Blanche is giving Dorothy a tour of the house, Virginia walks in, and a heated argument ensues between the sisters over whether Blanche has ever been there for the family, ending in Blanche's refusal to go to the funeral. Meanwhile, Sophia wants to make some extra money for a giant-screen TV. When Dorothy and Blanche leave town, she defies their wishes and rents out their rooms to weekend travelers. To convince Rose to go along with the scam, she concocts a story that they're from a small town much like St. Olaf. While a wild party takes place in the living room, Dorothy calls to confirm all is well and as they conclude that all is, a large crash is heard from the living room - Blanche's prized plate is in pieces. Dorothy and Blanche look through old photos of a young "porker" Blanche, and as she remembers Big Daddy fondly, Dorothy tries to convince her to go to the funeral so she can say goodbye. Blanche pays her respects the following day and in a touching speech recalls how Big Daddy was always there for her, even though at times she wasn't so easy to love. She wishes him her love and as she turns to go says, "I'm nobody's little girl anymore." At home, Sophia has written speeches explaining the broken plate, but Rose finds a duplicate which they buy with Sophia's profits from the weekend. When Blanche arrives, she explains that she's a new person that values life not material things and breaks the plate - as it represents the old her. As the other ladies scurry off to the kitchen for cheesecake, Sophia asks, "What is this, sarcasm?"

    b: 9 Dec 89 pc: 112 w: Marc Sotkin d: Terry Hughes
  12. "Have Yourself a Very Little Christmas"
    gs: Matt McCoy [ Father Avery ]

    rc: Stan

    It's Christmas time and Stan shows up to persuade the ladies to invest in a novelties research and development lab. They kick him out and go back to planning their Christmas. The heat wave and crowds have made shopping so unbearable that they decide to pick names from a hat and only buy a gift for that person. A great idea, but no one wants to end up with a gift from Rose. Blanche is the unfortunate recipient, and Christmas morning prepares an "It's beautiful act." She is surprised and thrilled to find a simple tasteful gift, but Rose is distraught as the gift she picked out for Blanche has gotten switched with another at the store. They decide to continue the Christmas spirit and help Rose at her church, giving Christmas traditions; they serve dinner and are surprised to see so many children and even a Santa Claus. When Santa gets to the front of the line, he greets Dorothy, revealing himself, "Hi, it's me, Stan." A shocked Dorothy learns from Stan that he miscalculated the public taste and, with the shipment of toys that didn't arrive until the day before Christmas, he lost everything. He had been trying to get money from them for himself, not a lab. To top it off, his wife threw him out for cheating. He laments, "Why me?" and Dorothy asks, "Why them. You're not alone." The reverend explains to Rose that Stan's situation is common. Most Americans are within three paychecks of being out on the street. Dorothy decides to make Stan realize that he's lucky because he can recover but finds him feeling sorry for himself. She gives him some money and tells them to "wallow somewhere else." A short time later, Stan returns, still dressed as Santa, with a bag of his unsold novelties and hands them out to the children. He realized that he is more fortunate than the others, he still has options. The ladies remind each other that the homeless must be in their hearts all year long not just on Christmas.

    b: 16 Dec 89 pc: 115 w: Tom Whedon d: Terry Hughes

    NOTE: Script published in anthology The Golden Girls.
  13. "Mary Has a Little Lamb"
    gs: Julia McCullough [ Mary ], Lorry Goldman [ Fred ], Dennis Jonston [ Merrill John ]

    Mary, a sixteen-year old neighbor, surprises the ladies with a visit, then surprises them with her news - she's pregnant and her father's kicked her out of the house. The ladies decide to take her in, just as they did when her mother died, yet they can't believe that Fred would act so mean. Sophia points out that Fred's dog is mean too; he ate her friend Ida. Later, Dorothy talks to Mary about when she was unmarried and pregnant and how difficult it was for her father to accept; it just takes time. Meanwhile, Blanche has been exchanging provocative letters with a convict and panics when he gets out of jail and comes for a visit. When Merrill shows up, the ladies convince him that Blanche isn't "Blanche"; in fact, "Blanche" is ugly, wrinkled and fat. Unable to stand these lies, Blanche blows it, saying that "Blanche is beautiful. Merrill leaves, saying he'll be back for her, but Blanche decides to stay at a friend's house until he is gone for good. The ladies discuss putting Mary in childbirth classes and Sophia points out that they're taking a lot of responsibility for Mary, responsibility that is her father's. She and Dorothy go to Fred's house, where Sophia relates to his situation and tells him about Dorothy, the slut, who also got knocked up but didn't get kicked out of the house. She is quickly scared away by Fred's dog and returns home. Dorothy resorts to a St. Olaf story in an attempt to make Fred realize how much Mary and he need each other now. Unsuccessfully, she storms home to find Sophia's been tied up by Merrill, who "wanted to have something to remember Blanche by, so he took the silver." That night Fred stops by and apologizes to Mary, but before they head home, Fred thanks Dorothy for the St. Olaf story. As Dorothy slinks away, she cries, "I was desperate."

    b: 6 Jan 90 pc: 117 w: Harold Apter d: Terry Hughes
  14. "Great Expectations"
    gs: Robert Mandan [ Steven ], Michelle Pawk [ Mary Ellen ], Kathy Bendett [ Nurse ], Kat Sawyer-Young [ Woman in Hospital ]

    Blanche's date cancels on her due to a health problem, spurring Blanche to decide she needs to date more youthful men. Dorothy points out that she had a wonderful man, Steven, but she let him go as soon as she felt commitment. She realizes that she did run away from a good thing and returns to her new/old relationship with Steven. All her old fears of commitment m the hospital saying Steven's had a heart attack. Meanwhile, Rose drags the ladies to a positive thinking group, where they encounter a pack of smiling idiots who exclaim "you're special." Later, Dorothy realizes how negative she really is and decides to head the words of Rose's group and take a new outlook on life. Positive things begin to happen, but she quickly begins to feel like "Vanna White with cramps." She misses the controversy in her life and decides ti return to the real Dorothy. Blanche refuses to go to the hospital to visit Steven, stating that she doesn't want to get emotionally involved with a man when there are no guarantees for a future. The ladies point out that in life there aren't any guarantees, only choices. Sophia realizes her cue and tells a story about her missed opportunity with Pablo Picasso. After days of mulling around, Blanche admits she misses Steven and goes to the hospital, only to find he's gotten back with his old girlfriend. She realizes that her fear of losing has caused her to lose and returns home with the knowledge that sometimes in life you have to take chances. All is lost though; she meets a man in the next bed with the heart of a 25 year old. "As long as his body doesn't reject it."

    b: 13 Jan 90 pc: 116 w: Martin Weiss & Robert Bruce d: Terry Hughes
  15. "Triple Play"
    gs: Molly Hagan [ Caroline ], Ronnie Schell [ Thomas ], Bill Cort [ James ], Lance Wilson-White [ Delivery Boy ]

    rc: Miles

    It's a hectic day for the ladies when Miles brings his daughter Caroline, over for lunch to meet Rose, Blanche puts a rented Mercedes up for sale at a very low price to entice eligible men and Sophia mysteriously starts flaunting a large wad of money. Planning on getting a "six-month supply" of men, Blanche shuffles prospective dates in and out for their test drives, and soon a bidding war for the next car begins. "I assumed that once they saw me they'd forget about the car," she cries. When Sophia offers to cash one of their checks, Dorothy pulls her aside and she admits the government has been sending her more social security checks than usual - "enough to have you robbed out if you rat." On the lanai, Rose tells Caroline that her name's in a song, "I am a rock, I am a Nylund." When she goes to get dessert, Caroline joins her and tells Rose to stay away from her father. A distraight Blanche escapes to the kitchen, followed by Dorothy and Sophia, and finds a devastated Rose. The ladies remember when you had to impress a man's parents, not his children. Blanche says she could straighten things out with Miles and persuades Dorothy to get ride of her men. But "I still intend to date Thomas and James. So let them down easy." Dorothy talks Sophia into returning the money to the government, reminding her how much America meant to her as an immigrant. Blanche confronts Caroline about her conversation with Rose and when Miles hurries off to talk to her, Blanche points out that Rose is not like some women who would stoop to "false advertising" to get a man. "I never looked at it that way," Caroline concedes. As Dorothy and Sophia get rid of the men, Thomas stops and asks Dorothy out. When she asks Blanche if she's upset, Blanche says, "No...it serves me right," and offers her the key to the Mercedes for her date. "You've got this coming." She then calls the police: "I'd like to report a stolen Mercedes."

    b: 27 Jan 90 pc: 119 w: Gail Parent d: Terry Hughes
  16. "Clinton Avenue Memoirs"
    gs: David Correia [ Mr. Hernandez ], Flo Di Re [ Young Sophia ], Kyle Heffner [ Young Salvadore ], David Correira [ Mr. Hernandez ], Jandi Swanson [ Young Dorothy ]

    rc: Salvadore

    Sophia's memory is starting to fade, and when she forgets her wedding anniversary, Dorothy thinks something is really wrong. Sophia realizes she's slipping, so peruses the family photo album in hopes of conjuring up some memories. But even as Dorothy rattles off stories of her childhood, Sophia can't remember except for a carving Sal put behind the kitchen pantry door in their Brooklyn apartment. Dorothy convinces Sophia to see a doctor, who prescribes a new diet to help control further memory loss, and Sophia decides to head back to Brooklyn to regain some of her past. "I can't lose my Sal. Not again." Meanwhile, Blanche wants to have her hair done by Miami's most talented hairdresser, but can't afford it. Rose suggests she work for her doing research. Blanche procrastinates, ignoring her responsibility to Rose, causing bad feelings between them. Blanche finally finishes the work, they make up, and she asks to be paid under the table. "No way. I go under, you never show up," Rose responds. Dorothy and Sophia visit their old apartment in Brooklyn, and the new tenant, Mr. Hernandez, warns "don't take anything." They look for the carving in the kitchen but it's not there. Dorothy remembers her jealousy when newborn Phil was brought home but Sophia doesn't remember and heads to the bedroom. "Stay out, you barged in on me enough when you were a kid," she tells Dorothy. There, Sal's ghost appears to her and convinces her that with a little spunk she'll be fine. He fades away as Dorothy and Mr. Hernandez enter. He opens the closet door to reveal the carving Sophia has been looking for. Happy that she remember some things she remarks, "Kitchen, bedroom, I knew it was a room I was good in."

    b: 3 Feb 90 pc: 114 w: Richard Vaczy & Tracy Gamble d: Terry Hughes
  17. "Like the Beep Beep Beep of the Tom-Tom"
    gs: Robert Culp [ Simon ], Peter Michael Goetz [ Dr. Stone ], Stanley Kamel [ Dr. Stein ], David Jay Willis [ Orderly ]

    Blanche arrives home from a visit to the doctor wearing a halter monitor. Even though she explained she's been seeing a lot of Simon and it must be fatigue, the doctor insists on running tests of her irregular heartbeat. The following week she returns home with frightening news; she needs a pacemaker. At the hospital, a nervous Blanche prepares herself for surgery, and the ladies comfort her by singing Over There as she is wheeled away. Meanwhile, Rose is testing weight-loss products for work - "Vacuum Slacks" which are supposed to "suck" fat away, and a flab stimulator which sends out electric charges to unwanted fat deposits. When the tests are completed, Rose finds she has gained four pounds and goes on the tried and true St. Olaf "I can't believe it's cheese" diet where "you only eat rice." As Sophia laments over having to give away the microwave, Blanche reveals that she may never be her old self again after the out-of-body experience she had on the operating table. She ends a date with Simon as quickly as possible, then states, "I'm giving up sex." Two weeks later, Blanche is making gifts out of popsicle sticks, and even though she's frustrated, admits she's too afraid she won't be able to reach the heights of passion she once did to have sex again. She goes out with Simon to tell him of her resolve but he convinces her she is the same person she always was. They head back to the bedroom and when the ladies come home from the movies that night they hear Blanche singing "Over there...Over there...No, I said over there..."

    b: 10 Feb 90 pc: 120 w: Philip Jayson Lasker d: Terry Hughes

    NOTE: Script published in anthology The Golden Girls.
  18. "An Illegitimate Concern"
    gs: Mark Moses [ David ]

    A mysterious young man claiming to be an encyclopedia salesman shows up looking for Blanche's late husband, George. The ladies become suspicious when he doesn't try to sell them any encyclopedias, two days later he's spotted at the supermarket and Dorothy sees him waiting outside their house in his car. "Sex-crazed psycho with a granny complex" is Rose's call. When Blanche decides to confront him and his obsession for her, he confesses - George was his father. Outraged, Blanche kicks him out of the house and cries, "How could George do this to me? I even turned down a journalist famous for his work on 60 Minutes!" Meanwhile, Sophia persuades Dorothy to enter the Shady Pines mother/daughter beauty pageant so she can finally beat her archenemy Gladys Goldfine. After finally agreeing on evening gowns, they practice their talent: I Got You Babe dressed as Sonny and Cher. Trying to comfort Blanche, Dorothy and Sophia tell her about their husbands' infidelities and they decide "men are scum." Later Rose admits to Blanche that Charlie cheated on her too, and tells her "Don't throw away all the good memories just because of a mistake." David returns on his way home to Dallas and begs Blanche to give him some information about his father: "After-all, I am his son." Conceding, they go through her old photo album and she gives him a picture of his father fishing. The ladies return home from the beauty pageant as runners-up but feeling victorious -- they beat Gladys Glodfine, who sang Try to Remember and couldn't. Blanche realizes she was taking her anger at George out on David, who is actually a very nice man. As the ladies exit to celebrate with some cheesecake, Blanche stays behind and looking at George's picture, tells him, "You son of a bitch...and I could've had Andy Rooney."

    b: 12 Feb 90 pc: 118 w: Marc Cherry & Jamie Wooten d: Terry Hughes
  19. "72 Hours"
    gs: Tony Carreiro [ Doctor ], Peggy Walton-Walker [ Recpetionist ], Frantz Turner [ Doctor ]

    Rose receives a letter from the hospital where she had her gallbladder removed, stating she might have been exposed to blood containing HIV antibodies and she should come in for an AIDS test. The ladies accompany her to the hospital, where she checks in with a fictitious name - Dorothy Zbornak. A very frightened Rose is comforted by Blanche, who explains that she too had the test and knows what Rose is going though. After checking out fine physically, Rose finds out she must wait three days for the test results and cries, "How am I going to get through the next seventy-two hours?" Meanwhile, Dorothy is involved with a "Save the Wetlands" organization and the ladies decide to have a celebrity auction to gain recognition and support for the diminishing wetlands. Rose is unable to sleep so she takes an all-night spin to Alabama and picks up an autographed playbill for the auction. When she realizes that Jamie Farr has not yet sent the dress he promised, she gets hysterical and the ladies realize how traumatic waiting for test results can be. They discuss times when they've had to wait and were afraid, then vow to help Rose through whatever comes along, even though, as Sophia points out, when the disease is so close to home it's scary. The 72 hours finally over, they all go to get Rose's results and find out she is fine. With high spirits, they march off to the celebrity auction together, certain it will be a big success - "Ma stuffed and mailed over five hundred invitations." "Stuffed?" Sophia asks.

    b: 17 Feb 90 pc: 121 w: Tracy Gamble & Richard Vaczy d: Terry Hughes

    NOTE: Script published in anthology The Golden Girls.
  20. "Twice in a Lifetime"
    gs: Eddie Bracken [ Buyzz ], April Ortiz [ Maria ], Douglas Steale [ Malcolm ]

    rc: Miles

    Visiting Buzz Mueller, St. Olaf's heppest cat, rekindles the romance that ended when he left Rose to join Spike Jones' band and asks her to accompany the band to Europe. A torn Rose must choose between Miles and Buzz, just as she had been forced to choose between Charlie and Buzz 40 years earlier. Meanwhile, Sophia is running around with a new "in" crowd, and when Dorothy questions their activities and imposes a curfew, Sophia protests by moving out. As Rose struggles with her decision, the ladies discuss the hold a first love can have on you. The following day, Blanche and Dorothy visit Sophia in her new home (a penthouse apartment with a maid) to convince her to move back. When Dorothy still won't agree to let her stay out late with her friends, Sophia refuses to move home. Miles confronts Rose about their future, and she explains that she needs more time. When she asks Buzz for more time, he suggests he go to Europe and come back for her. Realizing he had made and broken that promise before, she breaks it off with him and when a jealous Miles barges in and demands she stop seeing Buzz, she happily jumps into the "jungle cat's" arms. Sophia returns, realizing Dorothy was right, the "in" crowd is too wild, and warns, "If anyone asks, I was here last night."

    b: 24 Feb 90 pc: 122 w: Robert Bruce & Martin Weiss d: Terry Hughes
  21. "Sisters and Other Strangers"
    gs: Marion Mercer [ Magda ], Barbara Babcock [ Charmaine ]

    Blanche's estranged sister Charmaine comes to town to promote her newly-published novel. At first they appear to enjoy a successful reconciliation: Charmaine gives Blanche a copy of her book and asks for Big Daddy's pocket watch to remember him by. Then Blanche reads the book and is aghast to discover it's about her life! Meanwhile, Stan's cousin Magda visits from Czechoslovakia and complains about America and capitalism every chance she gets. Dorothy is especially bothered by Magda's attitude and tries to convince her that freedom and the political changes in Czechoslovakia are for the best. The ladies attend the book signing, and Magda is amazed by the volume of books and varied ideas. Dorothy gives her two books that will explain capitalism to her: Common Sense and Vanna White's autobiography. Blanche barges into the book signing to denounce Charmaine's book as trash. Later, Magda announces she's returning to Czechoslovakia to face changes because of Rose's story about changing her life and going to St. Olaf -- the city that never naps. Charmaine arrives unexpectedly for Big Daddy's pocket watch. Blanche refuses to give it to her and as Charmaine rifles though her bedroom to find it, accuses her of ripping off her life for the book. Charmaine explains that the book is about her life: they're too much alike, which is probably why they never got along growing up. They embrace -- then simultaneously check their images in the ceiling mirror.

    b: 3 Mar 90 pc: 123 w: Mark Cherry & Jamie Wooten d: Terry Hughes
  22. "Cheaters"
    gs: Jerry Orbach [ Glen ], Sam McMurray [ Kane ], Nancy Lenehan [ Nun ]

    Dorothy receives a phone call from Glen O'Brian, a married man she dated four years ago. She agrees to meet him, against Sophia and Rose's better judgment, and she finds out he's recently been divorced. He asks for a second chance at their relationship and, the old passionate feelings overwhelming her, she falls back into his arms. Meanwhile, Sophia and Blanche go to the mall, where they met a man who's found a wallet containing a large amount of money. Unable to decide what to do with it, they enlist the help of a nun, who suggests they open a joint account and each put in the sum of their own money for good faith. After a short debate, the ladies figure, "What could they lose?" Blanche and Sophia return home, mortified they've been taken by a con artist. After swearing on "Uncle Guido's grace" that she won't tell anyone, Sophia tells Rose about the scam. Rose convinces them to report it to the police so the "scamsters" will be caught. A humiliated Blanche does call the cops and winds up with a date. Dorothy brings Glen home to meet the ladies. On the way in, he asks her to marry him, which takes Dorothy by surprise. She promises to think about it. Sophia immediately questions him about cheating on his wife four years earlier. He passes "Final Jeopardy" and wins over Sophia. Back at Glen's apartment, his ex-wife calls and he says he's alone, forcing Dorothy to realize he's not yet emotionally divorced. When he refuses to wait to get married, she realizes he just wants to be married, not necessarily to her. They part, "if you ever change your mind..."

    b: 24 Mar 90 pc: 124 w: Tom Whedon d: Terry Hughes

    NOTE: Script published in anthology The Golden Girls.
  23. "The Mangiacavallo Curse Makes a Lousy Wedding Present"
    gs: Howard Duff [ Mangiacavallo ], Tanya Louise [ Jenny ], Myles Berkowitz [ Joey ], Stuart Nisbet [ Doug ], Jonathan Schmock [ Waiter ]

    Dorothy is cranky in the morning and everybody knows it's because she can't get a date for her goddaughter's wedding, which is fast approaching. Rose is reluctant to go to the wedding for other reasons - her boyfriend, Miles, is out of town and weddings get her "hot." Blanche wants to lend Dorothy a date from her "collection," but Dorothy knows it always "puts a strain on our relationship" when Blanche tries to be generous. Sophia points out the importance of looking good at this wedding: Giuseppe Mangiacavallo, grandfather of the groom, left Sophia standing at the altar 70 years ago and she put a curse on him. Dorothy acquiesces, and asks Blanche for a date with Doug. The only problem is, Doug is listed on Blanche's "A" list, and when her date cancels for the wedding she finds herself incredibly attracted to Doug, Dorothy's date. This inflames Dorothy: "I knew this was going to happen!" Meanwhile, Sophia tells Mangiacavallo that she has planned for all the happiness of the day to come "crashing down on your head." He scoffs, until the bride and groom have an ugly fight that threatens to ruin the reception. Mangiacavallo begs Sophia's forgiveness. Sophia "removes" the curse, but not before Dorothy and Blanche return from bickering over Doug to find he has left the wedding with Rose. Dorothy admits Rose is "really something" when they discover she only had Doug take her to the airport - to go meet Miles!

    b: 31 Mar 90 pc: 125 w: Philip Jayson Lasker d: Terry Hughes
  24. "All Bets are Off"
    gs: Michael Ensign [ Donald ]

    Sophia is punching up Dorothy's resume for her vice principal's interview when Rose discovers she can't finish her St. Olaf painting because she can't paint a horse from memory. Blanche suggests Dorothy take Rose to the racetrack so she can memorize one. Dorothy is reluctant, but finally agrees. When they return from the track, Sophia is shocked to find out where Dorothy has been and calls her into the kitchen. Apparently, Dorothy had a terrible gambling problem 15 years ago that nearly cost her her name. Dorothy assures Sophia that she has it under control: "You don't have to worry about me." Meanwhile, Blanche goes out with Donald, the new curator from the museum, despite the ladies' mixed feelings about dating a co-worker. But Donald has no mixed feelings about Rose's painting - "This is quite good." He offers to hang her work, but the pressure becomes too much for Rose and she finally decides to paint only for pleasure. Dorothy's gambling escalates and she misses her important interview. When she realizes she is willing to take advantage of Rose to pay off gambling debts, she goes back to Gamblers Anonymous where she found help the first time she got in trouble. Blanche comes home to report that Donald admitted he also had problems with the idea of dating a co-worker: so he quit his job and asked her out!

    b: 28 Apr 90 pc: 126 w: Eugene B. Stein d: Terry Hughes
  25. "The President's Coming! The President's Coming! (1)"
    gs: Timothy Stack [ Agent Bell ]

    rc: Stan

    When the ladies discover that the President of the United States is going to dedicate the new senior citizens' center just down the street, the only glitch in their happiness is that Dorothy's ex-husband, Stanley, shows up, trying to sell the George Bush's "Point of light on a stick." Dorothy gets rid of Stan just in time for Secret Services Agent Bell to come in and ask the ladies some questions, in case the President actually stops at their house for a photo opportunity. As Agent Bell walks the ladies through a series of security clearance questions, we join them in remembering scenes from "Golden Girls" past. The ladies are very excited about the visit. Dorothy starts planning her speech for the President about her views on education and Rose paints a banner, but Blanche is mostly concerned about how much cleavage to show. In the end, the President does visit them but Dorothy has no itch for speech-making when the President extends his hand from the crowd to shake hers. As the others react to Dorothy being rendered speechless, she declares: "I think he got the message."

    b: 5 May 90 pc: 127 w: Marc Sotkin & Gail Parent and Martin Weiss & Robert Bruce d: Lex Passaris
  26. "The President's Coming! The President's Coming! (2)"
    gs: Timothy Stack [ Agent Bell ], Harry Shearer [ Voice of President Bush ], Raye Birk, Alan Blumenfeld, Henry Darrow, Jack Gilford, Harvey J. Goldenberg, Kevin McCarthy, Pat McCormick, Jeffrey Webber, Roland August, Richard Bernard, Gale Scott, Blake Gibbons, Tally Lauriti, Rick LeFever, Samuel Lloyd, Jay Pennick, Eddie Powers, Quentin Tarantino [ all the unidentified roles are seen in flashbacks only ]

    rc: Stan

    When the ladies discover that the President of the United States is going to dedicate the new senior citizens' center just down the street, the only glitch in their happiness is that Dorothy's ex-husband, Stanley, shows up, trying to sell the George Bush's "Point of light on a stick." Dorothy gets rid of Stan just in time for Secret Services Agent Bell to come in and ask the ladies some questions, in case the President actually stops at their house for a photo opportunity. As Agent Bell walks the ladies through a series of security clearance questions, we join them in remembering scenes from "Golden Girls" past. The ladies are very excited about the visit. Dorothy starts planning her speech for the President about her views on education and Rose paints a banner, but Blanche is mostly concerned about how much cleavage to show. In the end, the President does visit them but Dorothy has no itch for speech-making when the President extends his hand from the crowd to shake hers. As the others react to Dorothy being rendered speechless, she declares: "I think he got the message."

    b: 5 May 90 pc: 128 w: Philip Jayson Lasker & Tom Whedon & Marc Cherry & Jamie Wooten d: Lex Passaris

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